Today, instead of the normal daily grind (secretary extraordinaire), I spent the day in Mrs. Oak's second grade classroom. I was the most enthusiastic and eager to learn temporary teacher's assistant there ever was! I patiently helped kids make puppets, repeated myself 30 times telling kids to sit down or help their neighbors, I led the line of 20 children to lunch and was at the end of the line running the kids in after reccess. I ate lunch in the teacher's lounge (ooooohhhh) and I helped monitor the children at a school assembly (aaaahhh).
My friend Rachel introduced me to her mom a couple of years ago and then suggested that I sit in on her classroom one day to see if I'd like being a teacher. Mrs. Oaks is very sweet and motivating. She helped answer my questions and calm most of my fears and/or nervousness I had about leading a classroom. Her curriculum, though mandated by Duval County, is presented creatively. The children admire and respect her.
There are parts of me that are still unsure about entering into an educational career and part of me that is ready to jump right in. Let's face it, I've been kicking the idea around since about a month after I graduated, but for some reason never made the decision to go for it. After wasting 2 years being a banker and a secretary, I think I may have finally found what I am truly interested in.
In other news, after hearing the devastating diagnosis from All Pro Imports that my car is worthless and will! die! very! soon! I took my car in for a second opinion at Jerry Bush Auto. I spent a fraction of the $10,000 worth of work that All Pro quoted and got everything necessary fixed with much friendlier service. The car makes NO SOUNDS!!! I'm in heaven! I can hear the radio without any extra rattles and creaks in the background. I can drive with the windows down and not be embarrassed to go over bumps! I'm somewhat broke with the still expensive cost of the repairs, but I don't have to buy a new car.
The stress of the last few days has melted considerably and I am once again hopeful and positive about the future.
Showing posts with label future what?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future what?. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
What if I just did exactly what I wanted to do? What if I just wasn’t afraid, wasn’t afraid of anything? That question feels so monumental, I think I’ll repeat. What if I just wasn’t afraid?
Nora convinced me to watch this show, “Quarterlife” which can be found here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=159457533. I warn you, small circle of readers, if you are as easily sucked into the miserable lives of fake people as I am, then you will be very sucked into this show. It’s “shtick” is that you can catch an episode in just 15 short minutes. There’s this girl who pours her heart out to you in this very raw why. I love her because she’s unsure of herself. And this girl asks the question that I haven’t been brave enough to ask myself seriously. What if I just did exactly what I wanted to do and wasn’t afraid?
There are so many things that I am afraid of. And in true, jennstarme fashion, I give you people a list. A list of things I’m afraid of (other than the dark):
1.Failure
2.Being to poor to provide me and mine with the simple necessities of life (and some of the more complicated, more useless things in life)
3.Never finding the right career
4.Disappointing my family, my friends, the love of my life
5.Giving up the things I value in exchange for what I think people want me to be or to have
6.Being fat
7.Being alone
8.Having a boring life
My latest obsession is teaching. I’ve actually let the idea of quitting my job and becoming a substitute teacher. What would I do in the summertime, you ask? I don’t know.
I waver on quitting and letting it all go to hell or being responsible and saving up as much money as I can to make sure that when I do eventually move to Orlando, I'll have enough money to last while I find a job. We all know I'll do the saving money route, but damnit I'll be kicking and whining the whole way.
Nora convinced me to watch this show, “Quarterlife” which can be found here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=159457533. I warn you, small circle of readers, if you are as easily sucked into the miserable lives of fake people as I am, then you will be very sucked into this show. It’s “shtick” is that you can catch an episode in just 15 short minutes. There’s this girl who pours her heart out to you in this very raw why. I love her because she’s unsure of herself. And this girl asks the question that I haven’t been brave enough to ask myself seriously. What if I just did exactly what I wanted to do and wasn’t afraid?
There are so many things that I am afraid of. And in true, jennstarme fashion, I give you people a list. A list of things I’m afraid of (other than the dark):
1.Failure
2.Being to poor to provide me and mine with the simple necessities of life (and some of the more complicated, more useless things in life)
3.Never finding the right career
4.Disappointing my family, my friends, the love of my life
5.Giving up the things I value in exchange for what I think people want me to be or to have
6.Being fat
7.Being alone
8.Having a boring life
My latest obsession is teaching. I’ve actually let the idea of quitting my job and becoming a substitute teacher. What would I do in the summertime, you ask? I don’t know.
I waver on quitting and letting it all go to hell or being responsible and saving up as much money as I can to make sure that when I do eventually move to Orlando, I'll have enough money to last while I find a job. We all know I'll do the saving money route, but damnit I'll be kicking and whining the whole way.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
resolutions revisited.
Always around the first week of the year, everyone talks about their New Year’s Resolutions. By the end of January, the resolutions are out of sight, out of mind. This post, I’m revisiting my resolutions/goals to see how I’ve been doing.
1. Catch up in scrapbooking: I have now scrapbooked through May of 2006. I got on a scrapbooking kick for about 2 weeks and trudged through 2005 and half of 2006.
2. Make the Australia scrapbook: Zero progress.
3. Drink more water. 4 out 7 days a week, I’m good. The other days are mediocre, but I have been making Ryan drink more water. Does that count?
4. Create a health and fitness plan that gradually builds: I spent January reasonably dedicated to one workout a week and no eating out. Then birthday and Valentine’s day madness came around and I fell off the wagon, hard. I’ve since reached an all time high in weight and then come back down off the edge of a tall cliff. I’m back on water and the treadmill.
5. Move to a new city: Orlando is looking more and more realistic.
6. Make new friends: I haven’t exactly made new friends, but I have been more active with current friends and people from work.
7. Build up my savings account: I mailed a check to my mom yesterday to be deposited in my new MM account. It has a higher interest rate. I’ve been much better about controlling the urge to eat out. I’ve cut back drastically on how often I run downstairs for a coffee or bagel. I bought creamer for when we make coffee in the office and buy regular coffee instead of the fancy stuff (twice as expensive). This has been my greatest success in terms of making new year’s resolutions.
8. Figure out my career choices: I have been switching back and forth between nursing and teaching for months now. Finally, I decided that, either way, I have to take the GRE. So I have books and notecards courtesy of Maggie and will be taking the test by the end of April.
9. Religion: Not sure where this is going yet.
As for number 8, the latest issue of Real Simple touches on our greatest decision-making problems. In this case, I have gone through every road block in deciding what career I want to pursue. I’ve waffled, procrastinated, polled people’s opinion, been over cautious, etc. I’ve now set a deadline to decide. April = GRE. June = application deadline. I will have a decision and I will pursue something. Not because of a last minute decision, but because putting it off will only keep me more miserable.
1. Catch up in scrapbooking: I have now scrapbooked through May of 2006. I got on a scrapbooking kick for about 2 weeks and trudged through 2005 and half of 2006.
2. Make the Australia scrapbook: Zero progress.
3. Drink more water. 4 out 7 days a week, I’m good. The other days are mediocre, but I have been making Ryan drink more water. Does that count?
4. Create a health and fitness plan that gradually builds: I spent January reasonably dedicated to one workout a week and no eating out. Then birthday and Valentine’s day madness came around and I fell off the wagon, hard. I’ve since reached an all time high in weight and then come back down off the edge of a tall cliff. I’m back on water and the treadmill.
5. Move to a new city: Orlando is looking more and more realistic.
6. Make new friends: I haven’t exactly made new friends, but I have been more active with current friends and people from work.
7. Build up my savings account: I mailed a check to my mom yesterday to be deposited in my new MM account. It has a higher interest rate. I’ve been much better about controlling the urge to eat out. I’ve cut back drastically on how often I run downstairs for a coffee or bagel. I bought creamer for when we make coffee in the office and buy regular coffee instead of the fancy stuff (twice as expensive). This has been my greatest success in terms of making new year’s resolutions.
8. Figure out my career choices: I have been switching back and forth between nursing and teaching for months now. Finally, I decided that, either way, I have to take the GRE. So I have books and notecards courtesy of Maggie and will be taking the test by the end of April.
9. Religion: Not sure where this is going yet.
As for number 8, the latest issue of Real Simple touches on our greatest decision-making problems. In this case, I have gone through every road block in deciding what career I want to pursue. I’ve waffled, procrastinated, polled people’s opinion, been over cautious, etc. I’ve now set a deadline to decide. April = GRE. June = application deadline. I will have a decision and I will pursue something. Not because of a last minute decision, but because putting it off will only keep me more miserable.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
happy new year!
This year I will be turning 24. Yikes! The new year gives us the opportunity to start fresh, evaluate where I’ve been and where I want to go. I want to make things move in my life, so I’m compiling a list of things to work toward. 2008 Here I come!
In no particular order:
1. Catch up in scrapbooking: I’ve only scrapped up to 2005 and I already have pictures from 2008! Though it has been a fun adventure to peruse through pictures from my life 2-3 years ago.
2. Make the Australia scrapbook: Admittedly, this should be under bullet 1, but this beast is a project all its own. I haven’t even begun to sift through the hundreds of pictures from my trip to Australia.
3. Drink more water.
4. Create a health and fitness plan that gradually builds: This way my goals can change daily/weekly to accommodate my schedule. So yesterday, the goal was to just use the treadmill for a full 30 minutes. It didn’t matter how many calories I burned or how far I went, just that I was moving for 30 minutes and the time was blocked off in my head. I’m hoping to use this once a week to keep my mind set on working out regularly for a set amount of time.
5. Move to a new city: I am so done with Gainesville. Crazy drivers. Freshmen season. Bad shopping. Crazy college kids. Unappealing social activities (i.e. getting drunk) Six years is enough.
6. Make new friends: On the nights when Ryan is working or the times that we would like to just have a bunch of people come hang out, there is just no one to call. I’d like to build up a new friendship base complete with girlfriends (don’t be gross), board gamers, wine and cheese lovers, and workout buddies. Where do you find these people?
7. Build up my savings account: I did some research and found that my credit union savings account is making 7x the interest of my main savings account. I have 10x the money in my main savings account! I’ll be switching accounts to get the better interest rate, but this goal involves more than just that small change. I will be working on not eating out as often, controlling the impulse buys and conserving the energy/water we consume at home. I will also be looking for a home with lower rent starting August 1.
8. Figure out my career choices: I have no illusions in my head of finding the perfect career in the next year, but I would like to narrow my choices and head in the right direction toward my choice.
9. Religion: I would like to become more spiritually active. Currently, prayers come as an after-thought or during stressful/worrisome situations. I’d like to get back to the roots of my faith.
This year seemed to go by in such a blur. In 2007 I: filed my taxes, spent as much quality time with the love of my life as possible, was in my brother’s wedding, changed jobs, RV’ed with my family, went on a cruise, lost a little bit of weight, stayed in the same apt for a second year, donated blood, saved a little more money, went to my first black-tie event and started taking piano lessons. When making my goals, I forgot to think about all the things I have accomplished this year. I’ve done more than I thought. Here’s to a great oh-eight.
In no particular order:
1. Catch up in scrapbooking: I’ve only scrapped up to 2005 and I already have pictures from 2008! Though it has been a fun adventure to peruse through pictures from my life 2-3 years ago.
2. Make the Australia scrapbook: Admittedly, this should be under bullet 1, but this beast is a project all its own. I haven’t even begun to sift through the hundreds of pictures from my trip to Australia.
3. Drink more water.
4. Create a health and fitness plan that gradually builds: This way my goals can change daily/weekly to accommodate my schedule. So yesterday, the goal was to just use the treadmill for a full 30 minutes. It didn’t matter how many calories I burned or how far I went, just that I was moving for 30 minutes and the time was blocked off in my head. I’m hoping to use this once a week to keep my mind set on working out regularly for a set amount of time.
5. Move to a new city: I am so done with Gainesville. Crazy drivers. Freshmen season. Bad shopping. Crazy college kids. Unappealing social activities (i.e. getting drunk) Six years is enough.
6. Make new friends: On the nights when Ryan is working or the times that we would like to just have a bunch of people come hang out, there is just no one to call. I’d like to build up a new friendship base complete with girlfriends (don’t be gross), board gamers, wine and cheese lovers, and workout buddies. Where do you find these people?
7. Build up my savings account: I did some research and found that my credit union savings account is making 7x the interest of my main savings account. I have 10x the money in my main savings account! I’ll be switching accounts to get the better interest rate, but this goal involves more than just that small change. I will be working on not eating out as often, controlling the impulse buys and conserving the energy/water we consume at home. I will also be looking for a home with lower rent starting August 1.
8. Figure out my career choices: I have no illusions in my head of finding the perfect career in the next year, but I would like to narrow my choices and head in the right direction toward my choice.
9. Religion: I would like to become more spiritually active. Currently, prayers come as an after-thought or during stressful/worrisome situations. I’d like to get back to the roots of my faith.
This year seemed to go by in such a blur. In 2007 I: filed my taxes, spent as much quality time with the love of my life as possible, was in my brother’s wedding, changed jobs, RV’ed with my family, went on a cruise, lost a little bit of weight, stayed in the same apt for a second year, donated blood, saved a little more money, went to my first black-tie event and started taking piano lessons. When making my goals, I forgot to think about all the things I have accomplished this year. I’ve done more than I thought. Here’s to a great oh-eight.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
ding ding ding.
The time has come to make changes, instead of just wishing for them.
I have recently decided that my constant wavering of decisions has gotten me nowhere. I believe that I am very capable of making a very good, solid plan when it comes to the possibilities my future could hold. I can even hold on to those plans for days, weeks, months, even, at a time. The downside is that I am also very capable of carefully picking apart those well-laid plans until there is nothing left to stand on. I bring my hopes up high, then tear them down sadistically.
My first tackle at this sadistic behavior has been purchasing a piano and researching teachers. I am bound and determined to learn to play it. Jackie and Luke helped Ryan and I move the damn thing into the apartment. We had to lay it on its back, which made me cringe over every bump. Some of the keys were not exactly working and it is very much out of tune after the move. I was really afraid that it was irreparable.
Last night, Dan the Piano man came over to fix the issues. Have you ever seen the inside of a piano, more than just opening the lid? I watched him work for about an hour, completely mesmerized as I learned how the whole thing works. He was a rather chatty man and had no issues explaining the process or showing me the keys and the hammers and all the things that make it a piano.
Tonight, I am having coffee with a possible piano teacher. She seems very nice and very experienced with piano. Hopefully, by Christmas I will have some reasonable amount of skills to show off after Christmas dinner.
Ryan and I have discussed, re-discussed and discussed further what our future might hold in terms of geography. It seems to change every day. However, a fairly do-able plan has been created in my mind and I intend to get somewhere with it, whatever the obstacles.
I am going back to school. It is official; I will be taking advantage of the free schooling that UF offers. Then I will be applying for another degree. Decisions have finally been made regarding my career path; no longer do I feel doomed to an office/desk life for the rest of my career. The classes that are required are a bit daunting, but hopefully I will survive.
Ryan has been very supportive. Though, I must admit, I am rather sad about the fact that I will continue to live in Gainesville until at least 2009. Yuck. As long as I don’t get to the point where I am stuck in Gainesville, I can live, but having kids here is just not for me. I want a bigger city, plain and simple.
I have recently decided that my constant wavering of decisions has gotten me nowhere. I believe that I am very capable of making a very good, solid plan when it comes to the possibilities my future could hold. I can even hold on to those plans for days, weeks, months, even, at a time. The downside is that I am also very capable of carefully picking apart those well-laid plans until there is nothing left to stand on. I bring my hopes up high, then tear them down sadistically.
My first tackle at this sadistic behavior has been purchasing a piano and researching teachers. I am bound and determined to learn to play it. Jackie and Luke helped Ryan and I move the damn thing into the apartment. We had to lay it on its back, which made me cringe over every bump. Some of the keys were not exactly working and it is very much out of tune after the move. I was really afraid that it was irreparable.
Last night, Dan the Piano man came over to fix the issues. Have you ever seen the inside of a piano, more than just opening the lid? I watched him work for about an hour, completely mesmerized as I learned how the whole thing works. He was a rather chatty man and had no issues explaining the process or showing me the keys and the hammers and all the things that make it a piano.
Tonight, I am having coffee with a possible piano teacher. She seems very nice and very experienced with piano. Hopefully, by Christmas I will have some reasonable amount of skills to show off after Christmas dinner.
Ryan and I have discussed, re-discussed and discussed further what our future might hold in terms of geography. It seems to change every day. However, a fairly do-able plan has been created in my mind and I intend to get somewhere with it, whatever the obstacles.
I am going back to school. It is official; I will be taking advantage of the free schooling that UF offers. Then I will be applying for another degree. Decisions have finally been made regarding my career path; no longer do I feel doomed to an office/desk life for the rest of my career. The classes that are required are a bit daunting, but hopefully I will survive.
Ryan has been very supportive. Though, I must admit, I am rather sad about the fact that I will continue to live in Gainesville until at least 2009. Yuck. As long as I don’t get to the point where I am stuck in Gainesville, I can live, but having kids here is just not for me. I want a bigger city, plain and simple.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
changing perspective
I started this blog to catalog my life, so that when I wonder how I got to where I will be in 10 years, I will have some record of where I've been and how I felt as I "grew up". So, to continue the story tonight...
I finished It's a Wonderful Lie tonight. I definitely found it to be an eye opening a read. Just as I suspected, it gave me a renewed sense of excitement toward life in my twenties. I could picture a friend in her twenties who is living nearly every experience outlined across the novel. There was a piece of the life I'm living in each of the stories, too. I'm the girl who loves to travel, the one who is not satisfied with her job, the girl in love, the girl who wants to get out of the town that she knows like the back of her hand in search of something new and exciting, the girl who wants to get married and the girl who in a very small part of her heart wonders what it could be like to be single again. I am just a girl in my twenties, fumbling through my experiences, thriving in my triumphs and learning from every place I've been, emotionally, physically and mentally.
I remember that once I had this dream of living in a tiny 1 or 2 bedroom apt, making it easily on my modest salary, decorating shabby-chic room and exploring a big, exciting city. My dream now is mostly the same, except now it includes Ryan.
I am finally coming to terms with my current job because there is a closer promise of moving away, moving out of Gainesville. I am not stuck being a secretary, I am waiting for the next big thing. I didn't become a secretary just because, I became a secretary because I desperately needed to get out of banking. I met a bunch of fun people and I mostly enjoy my work days. My hours are decent and my weekends are fabulous and relaxing.
Now that my book is done, I am actually looking forward to going back to reading The Wheel of Time series.
I finished It's a Wonderful Lie tonight. I definitely found it to be an eye opening a read. Just as I suspected, it gave me a renewed sense of excitement toward life in my twenties. I could picture a friend in her twenties who is living nearly every experience outlined across the novel. There was a piece of the life I'm living in each of the stories, too. I'm the girl who loves to travel, the one who is not satisfied with her job, the girl in love, the girl who wants to get out of the town that she knows like the back of her hand in search of something new and exciting, the girl who wants to get married and the girl who in a very small part of her heart wonders what it could be like to be single again. I am just a girl in my twenties, fumbling through my experiences, thriving in my triumphs and learning from every place I've been, emotionally, physically and mentally.
I remember that once I had this dream of living in a tiny 1 or 2 bedroom apt, making it easily on my modest salary, decorating shabby-chic room and exploring a big, exciting city. My dream now is mostly the same, except now it includes Ryan.
I am finally coming to terms with my current job because there is a closer promise of moving away, moving out of Gainesville. I am not stuck being a secretary, I am waiting for the next big thing. I didn't become a secretary just because, I became a secretary because I desperately needed to get out of banking. I met a bunch of fun people and I mostly enjoy my work days. My hours are decent and my weekends are fabulous and relaxing.
Now that my book is done, I am actually looking forward to going back to reading The Wheel of Time series.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blast to the past
A long, long time ago, I was a freshman in college. I was so excited to load up my explorer and move into the dorms with 2 random roommates. My whole life fit into a few boxes and and would be cramped up in the room that was in Reid Hall (the only dorm I saw on campus back during Preview that I said looked sad and dingy). I learned to love living in that tiny space.
I enjoyed the little accomplishments that came with living "on my own" for the first time. For example, I remember the first time I realized I had run out of clean clothes. I sat down on the dorm floor and tried desperately to remember my mom's laundry words of wisdom. My much more experienced roommate, Maggie, looked at me laughingly and asked, "Had I really never done my own laundry?!" And seriously, apart from moving clothes from washer to dryer, the laundry world was an unknown land of mystery to me. "Is an orange gator shirt a dark or a light?" "Do I have to do something special to keep my bras in good shape?" "How do you wash a striped shirt?".
I remember how excited I was when I could claim that I had used an entire tube of toothpaste from start to finish, all by myself ! I loved doing my own laundry, pretending I could cook in the dorm kitchen, using my own toothpaste and running off at all hours of the night to get ice cream at the union.
My roommate taught me much more than which clothes were dark and which were light. She taught me the beauty of wearing a thong, sat with me during my first beers (on her birthday) and showed me how to put make-up on. Before college, the only alcohol I'd ever had was the wine at church.
I remember dreaming of law school and how I would dress fashionably beautiful and impress the jury and judges and win lots of cases. I figured out which classes I had to go to and which I could skip and still pass. I did crosswords with Rachel during Calc 2 lecture and paid highly focused attention during TA class.
Somewehere between the 5 apartments and 12 roommates I had during my college years, law school lept out of the picture, the ideas teaching, nursing and motherhood crept in and out and then I graduated. I lost the explorer (to a relatively harmless incident with lots of speed and a gaurd rail on I-175) and switched to a more sensible car that would take me into the years after college and could suit the needs of the possiblity of children. There was a period between my junior and senior year when I realized that I was doing it all way! too! fast! I met a boy and we fell in love. I took off for Australia for a couple of months to slow the pace of college and the impending graduation that carried with it an enormous amount of pressure.
I am now sitting in my 5th apartment in the same city. I am elbow deep in disapppointment with the career path I am stumbling on now. Working the front desk at the hotel was easy enough, the Alligator was fun but stressful, I loved working at the chocolate store, and then I was ready to move on. I always assumed I would just have a fabulous job that would pay me lots of money and I would be extremely happy. Turns out, I am happy but simultaneously dissatisfied. I still enjoy doing laundry, and now I share my tubes of toothpaste with my ultra sweet boyfriend. I still wear thongs and have developed a strong obsession with shoes and purses. I drink very occassionaly. I wish I had more friends or was at least better at keeping up with the small handful of friends I do have.
I was looking at some pictures from someone's facebook (a site that is addicting and somehow marks either the level or lack of achievement I've cultivated vs what other people my age are doing) and I came across a picture of a friend who went to grad school and moved to Texas to be with the man she loved right after. She went to school for elementary education and got a job right smack in the thick of exactly what she wanted to do. She was sitting in between a huge group of fourth graders with a huge smile on her face, saying how much she loved her kids. I thought to myself, "I could do that". Laney just got a fairly decent paying job as a high school english teacher, Marcy works at high school in gainesville teaching. Other English majors did it, why can't I? Frankly, I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I will discover I don't like it, the way I discovered I didn't like banking and the way I'm finding I don't much care for being a secretary.
Do I really want to invest more time and more money into an education only to find that I'm not really sure I want to take my life in that direction shortly after entering that career field? There isn't really a fabulous wardrobe associated with being an elementary school teacher, pumps are almost flat out of the question. The idea of dealing with parents freaks me out. Yet, I always, always find myself toying with the idea of teaching.
Reading the Wonderful Lie has really got me thinking about what I really want to do and wondering how long it will take to get to the point of knowing. The only thing that so far seems to be working out is the fact that I am still in love.
I enjoyed the little accomplishments that came with living "on my own" for the first time. For example, I remember the first time I realized I had run out of clean clothes. I sat down on the dorm floor and tried desperately to remember my mom's laundry words of wisdom. My much more experienced roommate, Maggie, looked at me laughingly and asked, "Had I really never done my own laundry?!" And seriously, apart from moving clothes from washer to dryer, the laundry world was an unknown land of mystery to me. "Is an orange gator shirt a dark or a light?" "Do I have to do something special to keep my bras in good shape?" "How do you wash a striped shirt?".
I remember how excited I was when I could claim that I had used an entire tube of toothpaste from start to finish, all by myself ! I loved doing my own laundry, pretending I could cook in the dorm kitchen, using my own toothpaste and running off at all hours of the night to get ice cream at the union.
My roommate taught me much more than which clothes were dark and which were light. She taught me the beauty of wearing a thong, sat with me during my first beers (on her birthday) and showed me how to put make-up on. Before college, the only alcohol I'd ever had was the wine at church.
I remember dreaming of law school and how I would dress fashionably beautiful and impress the jury and judges and win lots of cases. I figured out which classes I had to go to and which I could skip and still pass. I did crosswords with Rachel during Calc 2 lecture and paid highly focused attention during TA class.
Somewehere between the 5 apartments and 12 roommates I had during my college years, law school lept out of the picture, the ideas teaching, nursing and motherhood crept in and out and then I graduated. I lost the explorer (to a relatively harmless incident with lots of speed and a gaurd rail on I-175) and switched to a more sensible car that would take me into the years after college and could suit the needs of the possiblity of children. There was a period between my junior and senior year when I realized that I was doing it all way! too! fast! I met a boy and we fell in love. I took off for Australia for a couple of months to slow the pace of college and the impending graduation that carried with it an enormous amount of pressure.
I am now sitting in my 5th apartment in the same city. I am elbow deep in disapppointment with the career path I am stumbling on now. Working the front desk at the hotel was easy enough, the Alligator was fun but stressful, I loved working at the chocolate store, and then I was ready to move on. I always assumed I would just have a fabulous job that would pay me lots of money and I would be extremely happy. Turns out, I am happy but simultaneously dissatisfied. I still enjoy doing laundry, and now I share my tubes of toothpaste with my ultra sweet boyfriend. I still wear thongs and have developed a strong obsession with shoes and purses. I drink very occassionaly. I wish I had more friends or was at least better at keeping up with the small handful of friends I do have.
I was looking at some pictures from someone's facebook (a site that is addicting and somehow marks either the level or lack of achievement I've cultivated vs what other people my age are doing) and I came across a picture of a friend who went to grad school and moved to Texas to be with the man she loved right after. She went to school for elementary education and got a job right smack in the thick of exactly what she wanted to do. She was sitting in between a huge group of fourth graders with a huge smile on her face, saying how much she loved her kids. I thought to myself, "I could do that". Laney just got a fairly decent paying job as a high school english teacher, Marcy works at high school in gainesville teaching. Other English majors did it, why can't I? Frankly, I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I will discover I don't like it, the way I discovered I didn't like banking and the way I'm finding I don't much care for being a secretary.
Do I really want to invest more time and more money into an education only to find that I'm not really sure I want to take my life in that direction shortly after entering that career field? There isn't really a fabulous wardrobe associated with being an elementary school teacher, pumps are almost flat out of the question. The idea of dealing with parents freaks me out. Yet, I always, always find myself toying with the idea of teaching.
Reading the Wonderful Lie has really got me thinking about what I really want to do and wondering how long it will take to get to the point of knowing. The only thing that so far seems to be working out is the fact that I am still in love.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Babies can wait. Thank you.
I have been toying with the idea of not having babies for a couple of months now. It was mostly caused by the fact that kids have those breakdown moments of screaming, crying, kicking, punching and overall brattiness all because they have to go to bed, horror of all horrors. Thanks to my baby-sitting years, I have put down many a child; sometimes they screamed as I tried to gently explain to them that I would love for them to go to sleep and tell me all about their dreams the next day. For the most part, it was easy to stay mostly calm as the child I was baby-sitting for screamed and wailed in my face. This calmness rested firmly on the fact that I could leave the child in his or her parents care at the end of the night. It's easy to like a kid when you get to return it. I am truly afraid to have children.
The thing that scares me the most about having kids is that one day, there will be a very real person who will go from depending upon me and my husband for everything, to challenging every word that comes out of my mouth, to spitting my mistakes in rearing them in my face, to asking me for money and material things, and then might walk away from me, as I did to my parents, thinking that I know nothing about what it's like to be young. Yeah, yeah, I know there are many upsides to having children, i.e. macaroni Christmas ornaments, beautiful childish laughter and smiles, the possibility of a grandchild (who I can return at the end of the day), and many other things that I have yet to experience.
But think with me for a second about what married life could be like without a little person that I would have to raise. I could take after Miss Carrie Bradshaw and throw an "I'm not having a baby shower." (Carrie made a wedding registry when she claimed to have married herself). I could still get presents, I would even register for things for my husband (no need to be excessively selfish). I wouldn't spend countless dollars on diapers, clothes that take all of 3 weeks to grow out of, pounds of food, education and who knows what else. I wouldn't lose my jet black hair to worry and anxiety on what the little person is doing or will do or won't do, only to be replaced by non-flattering, dull grays.
There will be no issue of baptism or whose turn it is to feed the baby or who is going to be the bad guy.
Maybe one day my opinion on this matter will change. Tonight, babies can wait a long while more before they can become part of my plan for the future (because that plan was going so well to begin with....or not).
Anyway, go see Knocked Up. It's hilarious.
The thing that scares me the most about having kids is that one day, there will be a very real person who will go from depending upon me and my husband for everything, to challenging every word that comes out of my mouth, to spitting my mistakes in rearing them in my face, to asking me for money and material things, and then might walk away from me, as I did to my parents, thinking that I know nothing about what it's like to be young. Yeah, yeah, I know there are many upsides to having children, i.e. macaroni Christmas ornaments, beautiful childish laughter and smiles, the possibility of a grandchild (who I can return at the end of the day), and many other things that I have yet to experience.
But think with me for a second about what married life could be like without a little person that I would have to raise. I could take after Miss Carrie Bradshaw and throw an "I'm not having a baby shower." (Carrie made a wedding registry when she claimed to have married herself). I could still get presents, I would even register for things for my husband (no need to be excessively selfish). I wouldn't spend countless dollars on diapers, clothes that take all of 3 weeks to grow out of, pounds of food, education and who knows what else. I wouldn't lose my jet black hair to worry and anxiety on what the little person is doing or will do or won't do, only to be replaced by non-flattering, dull grays.
There will be no issue of baptism or whose turn it is to feed the baby or who is going to be the bad guy.
Maybe one day my opinion on this matter will change. Tonight, babies can wait a long while more before they can become part of my plan for the future (because that plan was going so well to begin with....or not).
Anyway, go see Knocked Up. It's hilarious.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
I want a garden
I want a garden and all the goodies that come with it. And by goodies, I don't just mean the fruits of my labor, I mean, I want the yard, the dog for the yard, the house, in short, the life. I might even go so far as to put a little picket fence around my garden, to keep the dog out of my tomatos, of course. I am infinitely jealous of Jacqui's garden. It's so cute and fruitful (or will be eventually).
I love my apartment, don't get me wrong. It's starting to come together slowly into a homey-cute place. You see, Ryan's mom has taken me under her wing and is attempting to teach me to sew. I am not a very good student because I don't practice very often, but soon I'll get my act together and make time for sewing projects. When that happens, there will be curtains and matching bedsheets and pillowcases in my rooms. I would like to one day make a slipcover for each of the couches and duvet covers because I love to change out my bed decor often. I have big dreams.
Another reason why I would like to have a yard is so that I can just step outside my back door and lay out. I like the pool atmosphere, but if i have my own yard, I can layout whenever I want, listen to music, watch TV, etc.
I love my apartment, don't get me wrong. It's starting to come together slowly into a homey-cute place. You see, Ryan's mom has taken me under her wing and is attempting to teach me to sew. I am not a very good student because I don't practice very often, but soon I'll get my act together and make time for sewing projects. When that happens, there will be curtains and matching bedsheets and pillowcases in my rooms. I would like to one day make a slipcover for each of the couches and duvet covers because I love to change out my bed decor often. I have big dreams.
Another reason why I would like to have a yard is so that I can just step outside my back door and lay out. I like the pool atmosphere, but if i have my own yard, I can layout whenever I want, listen to music, watch TV, etc.
Monday, April 30, 2007
happiness
I just spent 70 stress-free minutes on the treadmill. I burned 400 calories and walked 4 miles. For the past 3 days, I have had absolutely nothing on my agenda except relax, shop, relax some more, and spend time on de-stressing. I had been looking forward to this trip since the day Ryan told me it would be possible for me to join him on his work trip.
For a change of pace (haha,pun discovered and enjoyed), I walked at a comfortable pace, didn't watch the time or the calories and read the entire time. The magazine I read was Self and this particular issue was about getting meaning out of life, finding happiness and stability in the now and securing both for the future. One of the biggest things I realized in reading the second half of the magazine (I read the first half by the pool yesterday), was that I need to make some changes on a daily basis starting now.
So, I give you, A List:
1. Spend at least one afternoon or evening catching up with a friend. This evening/afternoon can be spent chatting online, having coffee, laying out by the pool, watching a movie, having dinner or talking on the phone. It should last at least 30 minutes, it should also not include Ryan. I think it is important for us to spend just a little less time together, not because we spend too much time together, but because our time together is sort of quantity heavy and quality light. For example, I often find myself lying on the couch while Ryan plays around with his hobbies. I enjoy this greatly, but only for so many nights a weeks. I wish that we had more things to talk about. The problem is that we spend all of our free time together so our conversations are limited to the things we do at work, not very stimulating. So, if we spent a bit of time apart, we would have interesting things to say about the time we were not together.
2. Start playing World of Warcraft again. When we used to play the game all of the time, I got burnt out. But, at the same time, we had a common goal, a conversation topic and countless hours of fun together. We were not focused on each other, we were focused on playing a game (together). It was only fun when played with one another and it was guaranteed time doing something we were both interested in. For awhile, I convinced myself that I could not afford the game. But really, it would be worth the cost.
3. Start exercising for health. I would like to take the emphasis (and therefore the stress) away from losing weight and direct the emphasis toward the other positive effects of working out daily. The positive effects for me are more energy, higher self-confidence and less napping. I feel like I waste too much of my day napping. Sometimes I nap for over 2 hours which causes problems for my sleep at night and doesn't really refresh me enough to get through the rest of the day.
4. Find other common interest activities for Ryan and I to spend time doing together. I think that I could ramp up my console game playing activities. I think he could spend more time outside of the apartment. On Wednesdays, we could go for a bike ride or for a walk or something. On an idle afternoon, we could hang out at a bookstore for an hour or so. I would like to see us getting out of the apartment a little bit more, okay a lot more. We could even walk to Barnes and noble.
5. Focus less on money. I am saving money on a regular basis both in an IRA and in my savings account. I have more than enough in my regular savings to cover living expenses in the event of an emergency. I am also very far on my way to financial security in my retirement years. I have the things that I want and am satisfied with my material things. I have no desire to cultivate a desire for more material things.
6. Cook more. I would like for Ryan and I to spend more time cooking together. I am no chef by any means, but I think it would be fun to make simple meals together. It would only take 30-45 minutes. It would be cheaper and healthier. I will work on this first and foremost.
7. Blog more. I might one day want to share my blog with others. I would like to refine my writing skills because I believe I have a lot of meaningful and fun thoughts that could be shared with others. Maybe my thoughts are not life-changing or highly profound, but it's better than talking to myself.
8. Stop focusing on marriage and focus on my relationship. I love Ryan and I love the way we interact. If marriage is in the picture, it will come when we are ready. Enough said.
And now, I am going to get ready to go lay by the pool. Which means, I need sunscreen, bathing suit, etc. What a lovely vacation.
For a change of pace (haha,pun discovered and enjoyed), I walked at a comfortable pace, didn't watch the time or the calories and read the entire time. The magazine I read was Self and this particular issue was about getting meaning out of life, finding happiness and stability in the now and securing both for the future. One of the biggest things I realized in reading the second half of the magazine (I read the first half by the pool yesterday), was that I need to make some changes on a daily basis starting now.
So, I give you, A List:
1. Spend at least one afternoon or evening catching up with a friend. This evening/afternoon can be spent chatting online, having coffee, laying out by the pool, watching a movie, having dinner or talking on the phone. It should last at least 30 minutes, it should also not include Ryan. I think it is important for us to spend just a little less time together, not because we spend too much time together, but because our time together is sort of quantity heavy and quality light. For example, I often find myself lying on the couch while Ryan plays around with his hobbies. I enjoy this greatly, but only for so many nights a weeks. I wish that we had more things to talk about. The problem is that we spend all of our free time together so our conversations are limited to the things we do at work, not very stimulating. So, if we spent a bit of time apart, we would have interesting things to say about the time we were not together.
2. Start playing World of Warcraft again. When we used to play the game all of the time, I got burnt out. But, at the same time, we had a common goal, a conversation topic and countless hours of fun together. We were not focused on each other, we were focused on playing a game (together). It was only fun when played with one another and it was guaranteed time doing something we were both interested in. For awhile, I convinced myself that I could not afford the game. But really, it would be worth the cost.
3. Start exercising for health. I would like to take the emphasis (and therefore the stress) away from losing weight and direct the emphasis toward the other positive effects of working out daily. The positive effects for me are more energy, higher self-confidence and less napping. I feel like I waste too much of my day napping. Sometimes I nap for over 2 hours which causes problems for my sleep at night and doesn't really refresh me enough to get through the rest of the day.
4. Find other common interest activities for Ryan and I to spend time doing together. I think that I could ramp up my console game playing activities. I think he could spend more time outside of the apartment. On Wednesdays, we could go for a bike ride or for a walk or something. On an idle afternoon, we could hang out at a bookstore for an hour or so. I would like to see us getting out of the apartment a little bit more, okay a lot more. We could even walk to Barnes and noble.
5. Focus less on money. I am saving money on a regular basis both in an IRA and in my savings account. I have more than enough in my regular savings to cover living expenses in the event of an emergency. I am also very far on my way to financial security in my retirement years. I have the things that I want and am satisfied with my material things. I have no desire to cultivate a desire for more material things.
6. Cook more. I would like for Ryan and I to spend more time cooking together. I am no chef by any means, but I think it would be fun to make simple meals together. It would only take 30-45 minutes. It would be cheaper and healthier. I will work on this first and foremost.
7. Blog more. I might one day want to share my blog with others. I would like to refine my writing skills because I believe I have a lot of meaningful and fun thoughts that could be shared with others. Maybe my thoughts are not life-changing or highly profound, but it's better than talking to myself.
8. Stop focusing on marriage and focus on my relationship. I love Ryan and I love the way we interact. If marriage is in the picture, it will come when we are ready. Enough said.
And now, I am going to get ready to go lay by the pool. Which means, I need sunscreen, bathing suit, etc. What a lovely vacation.
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