Day 325 in a hotel...

We have run out of rations and entertainment. I am ready to hang myself on the shower curtain road.

Okay so I'm being a bit dramatic. It has only been 10 days in the hotel for me and 12 for Ryan. What I am really trying to convey here is that hotel life is getting old. Thankfully, Ryan's family has been kind enough to visit. First Jacqui and Luke came through town. The hilarity that ensues when you put the four of us together is unpredictable and quite enjoyable. I'm not sure we ever really stopped laughing, well maybe during Slumdog Millionaire. Beyond that though, we had a fabulous evening.

This weekend Ryan's parents are in town. The visits are really helping to break up the monotony that is hotel living. I am attaching myself to them (poor guys, they had no idea I was about to lose my mind from boredom). They have lovely plans that I fit neatly into.

In the 9 days that I have been here I have:
1. Secured a job
2. Found a real place to live
3. Experimented with black nail polish
4. gone shopping 3 times
5. Seen Slumdog Millionaire
6. watched a LOT of HBO1, 2 and 3
7. slept a lot
8. completed a 1000 piece puzzle (without looking at the box)
9. played a new board game with Ryan a few times
10. read a Real Simple magazine cover to cover
11. gone out to eat more times than any healthy person ever should
12. not gone to see the supposedly amazing beaches (not sure why it's panned out that way)

I really shoudln't be complaining. I could be living in Orlando until the lease ends which would mean that I would be by myself jumping and hiding from miscellaneous sounds and shadows. Instead of hanging out with my beloved every moment he's not at work, I could be hanging out with boxes. Not ideal or even comparable.

This weekend is really the final stretch. Ryan's parents (a.k.a - Jenn's playmates and entertainment) are in town for the weekend. Then on Monday morning we move out of the hotel, sign our lease and head back to Orlando to get the rest of our goods. We'll be back here by Tuesday night, the transition phase will be over and our new life officially begins. I am infinitely excited about making this new apartment a home. We plan to be here for a couple of years and don't plan on jumping from one apartment to the next during this time. I will put up custom made curtains, picture/poster frames will go up and we may purchase some updated and matching furniture to fit the new space. There are several goodwill/consignment shops around here, so hopefully it won't be hard on the budget or the environment to spice up the looks of our home.

a prayer

Hello Lord,

It has been sometime since I have whole-heartedly, unblinkingly, without reservation given you all my thoughts, hopes, dreams and faith; and even longer still since I've felt the connection to you that once was in my heart. In the time that has passed, so much has happened that I should have turned to you for guidance and faith to get through.
Lately, I have felt more than a little lost. My life feels full of unknown variables and blurry next steps. There are things that I whole-heartedly desire and things that I whole-heartedly want to be free of once and for all. Please help me come back to you, so that I can remember what it feels like to have my life in turmoil, but my core beliefs unshakeable.

Amen.

Sara Groves always said it best.

"Hello Lord"

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.
And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you

Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up
I know that you tore the veil
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering

The Melting Pot

Last night Ryan and I went to the Melting Pot with some friends. I've only ever done dessert there. We had never done the whole 4 course meal thing at this place before so we were all excited to see what it was all about.

It was nothing like the usual chain restaurants that we frequent, as in, the food was not cooked when it got to the table (and we're not talking uncooked the way sushi is uncooked!). The pot in the middle is where you put your skewered meat/fish choice in for a (random) amount of time.

Here we are with Liz and Anthony once our dinner was served. As you can see, there were about 30 different things to dip the food in. She named them all, but after she named the lobster tail and the shrimp, I was completely lost. Based on Anthony's reactions of "Hmmm, that's edible, not good but not bad either" and "Okay, that's gross", I stuck to the basic, cook the food until it isn't pink and eat it. Every item she set on the table had an explanation! " Cook this unknown meat for this long, cook that fish for that long. This sauce tastes like this and is good with that one. These take longer so throw them in early. Don't eat directly off your skewer. The spoon will get really hot" and so on. We felt like we needed little flags for each food and a timer. It was all very interesting and there was lots of laughter at our table. I'm not sure I would do it again, but it was definitely interesting to try it once.

Here's Ryan's tasty drink. Neat!
And of course, at the end of our 4-course meal came the DESSERT! Flambeed chocolate! There were strawberries, bananas, cheesecake, rice crispy treats, marshmallows, some cake thing and brownies. Obviously, we needed no assistance in naming these or timing how long to dip. The formula was simple: pick a dessert, drown it in milk chocolate mixed with Bailey's and try not to lose a single drop of goodness on the table or your shirt. If it lands on your chin, don't be wasteful!

Life does not get any better than a fabulous dinner loved ones!

the good with the bad

The judge had no mercy. Not only did I have to pay for the full ticket, but I was assigned to take the class to avoid any points. I was a basket case in front of the judge, a nervous mess. It is over, however. After putting myself under restriction for the last month, the cost of the ticket and the class have not at all affected my bank account. Ryan and I avoided eating out as much as possible. We have not been to Papa John's in over a month now and I did not go to Panera or Moe's at all. There were times when we got subs or sushi and 2 trips to Olive Garden. However, Ryan paid for a couple and I had a gift card for OG. I paid for a couple, but eating out twice is much improved. The fact that I can count the number of times we "slipped" is a good thing in and of itself.
All in all, it was an expensive lesson. My self discipline has paid for my moment of irresponsible driving. I'm rather proud of myself for not allowing myself to stop the growth of my savings account for a careless mistake. We are hoping to continue the trend of not eating out. With the exception of my birthday/Valentine's Day dinner and an occassional bagel, we will continue to avoid Moe's, Panera, Papa John's and Arby's. We are also meeting my brother and sister in Orlando next Friday for a double birthday celebration. We're all going to a late lunch and then to Islands of Adventure for the evening.
February is going to be a good month, especially since I don't have the ticket looming over my head anymore.

restless

Restlessness took over me yesterday. Somehow, when I talk things through with Ryan I come up with some pretty deep, inner thoughts. The other day during walk, we were talking about life after graduation. There’s this feeling of having nothing to do, no real goals (again with the transition period of where to go next?) School occupied about 80% of my brain for 17 longs years and since it’s no longer a factor I have yet to figure out what to do with all that brain power.
I feel somewhat “busy”, as in I do the laundry, attempt to keep the apartment clean, help with the dishes and go to work. I have a minimal social life and piano lessons each week. Yesterday I came home to an empty apartment, with nothing planned but a 1 hour piano lesson. I ate an entire pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream (after having such a healthy eating day at work). My body/conscience was so angry with me for doing it that I couldn’t get up the appetite for any sort of real dinner. I was so distracted by my work day, the ice cream weakness and the current mess in the apartment that I couldn’t focus on the lesson. As I screwed up the notes more and more, I become increasingly nervous and the more nervous I became, the worse I played. What happened? I love playing the piano and love learning to play, so why can’t I actually play anything with feeling? I am stuck on the same 2 songs and am wading through the adult course, but for some reason my fingers have no passion to them.
After the lesson, I laid around the apartment feeling somewhat useless. Flipping channels has lost its luster, scrapbooking seemed blah. I was bored. In an effort to counteract the ice cream disaster, the treadmill seemed a good idea. Again, the motivation/inspiration was lacking. My usual stamina was shot because of the stabbing guilt of my poor atrophied muscles and disgusting diet habits.
By the end of the night, since I had really done nothing that took any energy out of me, I was absolutely restless. I tossed and turned, stealing whatever moments of sleep I could. By the time Ryan came home and we went to bed, I was physically unable to get comfortable. I had no coherent thoughts or concerns going through my head, except “why is my brain so bored?”
Now at work irritability has taken over and motivation is somewhere in the 8 hours of sleep that I didn’t get to enjoy. I need something more in my life, something fun and exciting. Something new. It’s torturous to think of moving away because it isn’t happening for another 8 months.

insomnia and our ups and downs

Dear Insomnia,

I hate you.

love,
jenn*



Once again, it is well past my bedtime and I am still awake. weee! Laney and I spent the evening at the theater, literally, the entire evening. We got there at 7:20 and left at 12:40. First, we watched Mr. Brooks.

I went along for the ride, watching Mr. Brooks. I hadn't seen any previews b/c Ryan screens out the scary stuff so that I can fall asleep easier and not have nightmares once I do fall alseep. Well, I had really no idea what it was about and I was certainly shocked when I found out. There were many gun shot wounds and more blood than I was prepared for. The story and the commentary from the people around me kept me firmly rooted in my seat. It was quite the movie experience. The gore made Laney feel ill, and left uncomfortable images for me to relive in my nightmares, so we decided to watch yet another movie.

Enter Georgia Rule. In this case, I had seen previews, but they give nothing away as to what the movie is actually about. There were several points in the movie where I thought "Hmmm, I really don't know where this one is going.." Unlike in Mr. Brooks where I felt like it wasn't quite dead giveaways, but I definitely knew where things were going. In Mr. Brooks, as you solved one thing correctly, the director threw in a twist, that was delightfully surprising (minus the bullets & blood).

All in all, it was a good night. If only I could just go to sleep.

I want a garden

I want a garden and all the goodies that come with it. And by goodies, I don't just mean the fruits of my labor, I mean, I want the yard, the dog for the yard, the house, in short, the life. I might even go so far as to put a little picket fence around my garden, to keep the dog out of my tomatos, of course. I am infinitely jealous of Jacqui's garden. It's so cute and fruitful (or will be eventually).

I love my apartment, don't get me wrong. It's starting to come together slowly into a homey-cute place. You see, Ryan's mom has taken me under her wing and is attempting to teach me to sew. I am not a very good student because I don't practice very often, but soon I'll get my act together and make time for sewing projects. When that happens, there will be curtains and matching bedsheets and pillowcases in my rooms. I would like to one day make a slipcover for each of the couches and duvet covers because I love to change out my bed decor often. I have big dreams.

Another reason why I would like to have a yard is so that I can just step outside my back door and lay out. I like the pool atmosphere, but if i have my own yard, I can layout whenever I want, listen to music, watch TV, etc.

happiness

I just spent 70 stress-free minutes on the treadmill. I burned 400 calories and walked 4 miles. For the past 3 days, I have had absolutely nothing on my agenda except relax, shop, relax some more, and spend time on de-stressing. I had been looking forward to this trip since the day Ryan told me it would be possible for me to join him on his work trip.

For a change of pace (haha,pun discovered and enjoyed), I walked at a comfortable pace, didn't watch the time or the calories and read the entire time. The magazine I read was Self and this particular issue was about getting meaning out of life, finding happiness and stability in the now and securing both for the future. One of the biggest things I realized in reading the second half of the magazine (I read the first half by the pool yesterday), was that I need to make some changes on a daily basis starting now.

So, I give you, A List:

1. Spend at least one afternoon or evening catching up with a friend. This evening/afternoon can be spent chatting online, having coffee, laying out by the pool, watching a movie, having dinner or talking on the phone. It should last at least 30 minutes, it should also not include Ryan. I think it is important for us to spend just a little less time together, not because we spend too much time together, but because our time together is sort of quantity heavy and quality light. For example, I often find myself lying on the couch while Ryan plays around with his hobbies. I enjoy this greatly, but only for so many nights a weeks. I wish that we had more things to talk about. The problem is that we spend all of our free time together so our conversations are limited to the things we do at work, not very stimulating. So, if we spent a bit of time apart, we would have interesting things to say about the time we were not together.

2. Start playing World of Warcraft again. When we used to play the game all of the time, I got burnt out. But, at the same time, we had a common goal, a conversation topic and countless hours of fun together. We were not focused on each other, we were focused on playing a game (together). It was only fun when played with one another and it was guaranteed time doing something we were both interested in. For awhile, I convinced myself that I could not afford the game. But really, it would be worth the cost.

3. Start exercising for health. I would like to take the emphasis (and therefore the stress) away from losing weight and direct the emphasis toward the other positive effects of working out daily. The positive effects for me are more energy, higher self-confidence and less napping. I feel like I waste too much of my day napping. Sometimes I nap for over 2 hours which causes problems for my sleep at night and doesn't really refresh me enough to get through the rest of the day.

4. Find other common interest activities for Ryan and I to spend time doing together. I think that I could ramp up my console game playing activities. I think he could spend more time outside of the apartment. On Wednesdays, we could go for a bike ride or for a walk or something. On an idle afternoon, we could hang out at a bookstore for an hour or so. I would like to see us getting out of the apartment a little bit more, okay a lot more. We could even walk to Barnes and noble.

5. Focus less on money. I am saving money on a regular basis both in an IRA and in my savings account. I have more than enough in my regular savings to cover living expenses in the event of an emergency. I am also very far on my way to financial security in my retirement years. I have the things that I want and am satisfied with my material things. I have no desire to cultivate a desire for more material things.

6. Cook more. I would like for Ryan and I to spend more time cooking together. I am no chef by any means, but I think it would be fun to make simple meals together. It would only take 30-45 minutes. It would be cheaper and healthier. I will work on this first and foremost.

7. Blog more. I might one day want to share my blog with others. I would like to refine my writing skills because I believe I have a lot of meaningful and fun thoughts that could be shared with others. Maybe my thoughts are not life-changing or highly profound, but it's better than talking to myself.

8. Stop focusing on marriage and focus on my relationship. I love Ryan and I love the way we interact. If marriage is in the picture, it will come when we are ready. Enough said.

And now, I am going to get ready to go lay by the pool. Which means, I need sunscreen, bathing suit, etc. What a lovely vacation.

good thing no one reads this

I never do these, but the first question caught my eye...

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be? I want it to be Ryan, so I can tell him I love him and stop feeling bad about being upset.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? I like to park at the end of the lot, so that I get more exercise when I walk the cart back.
3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you? I would kiss Ryan over and over and over again!
4. Do you take compliments well? Not really.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? hopefully.
7. Do you like nipple rings? Not even a little bit.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? One time, I went to this place called Windy Gap. It was fun but I wish I had gone with real friends.
don't know where 9 is.
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married what would you do? I don't believe in cheating, ever.
11?
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Yes and I currently am.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? pursued.
14. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment. want go home.
16. Are you continuing your education? Every day of my life, I hope.
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I want to learn.
19. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Ryan.
20. Who do you call the most? Ryan
21. Favorite children's book? C.L.O.U.D.S. I still own it today!
22. What color are your eyes? Dark brown.
25. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you? I like the way things turned out, and I like the road I took to get here.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden? too long ago, i think a month? they are always too busy
29. Favorite ex? there was a guy who I miss being friends with every now and then..
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled? Australia or the Philippines, don't know which is farther
32. Do you like mustard? ew.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? I love to get some good sleep.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad? I look like my mommy.
35. How long does it take you in the shower? 15 minutes, it's such a chore getting into the shower, but the warm water keeps me there.
36. Can you do splits? Good lord, no.
37. What movie do you want to see right now? Reign over me.
39. What did you do for New Year's Eve? Went to Tampa, hung out in Busch Gardens with my brother, his wife, my sister, her and her boyfriend. We had a really good time.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Usually around 7.
48. Do you like care bears? I used to
49. What do you buy at the movies? I get popcorn for free b/c Ryan works there.
51.Do you wear your seatbelt? Compulsively.
52. What do you wear to sleep? **winks**
53. Anything big ever happen in your town? Does the superbowl count? The Gators won the Basketball and footbal Nat'l championship in 2006...
54. Is your hair straight or curly? Straight
55. Is your tongue pierced? God no.
56. Do you like Liver and Onions? ew.
57.Have you ever been in love? Of course.
58. Do you like funny or serious people better? I like real funny people, not annoying funny.
59. Ever been to L.A.? In passing
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? I pay, I support music.
63. Do you hate chocolate? WHO on earth would hate Chocolate? I like chocolate
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most? Living with my boyfriend.
65. Are you a gullible person? Usually.
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? I don't know, but I think maybe a little. I crave affection and feeling loved.
67. If you could have any job what would it be? Mom/wife/part-time chocolate store worker.
68. Are you easy to get along with? I think so.
69. What is your favorite time of day? Snuggle time!
70. Are you a generally happy person? I believe so.