Holiday, Oooooh Holiday!

Considering the fact that I have been essentially celebrating Christmas since December 15, the actual day was quite smashing! Neen and I headed out of town on Christmas eve, late afternoon. We actually talked the entire way home, and we did not argue about anything (shocking, I know)!

We stopped by big bro’s apt to help him finish up his Christmas gift to our parents. Last weekend he asked my sister and I to make a 1-2 minute video message saying how appreciative and loved we felt. While I do love my parents very much and I am very appreciative of all they have given us over the years, I do not love the video camera. Thanks to the digital age, we are capable of taking 19 shots of the same photo opportunity until we are happy with what we get. A video is a running, streaming reminder of what I look like and how I sound, I am not a big fan of that. I put it off for as long as I could, and avoided my brother’s phone calls for a few days, to no avail. We ended up doing a collective video of the four us, the originals plus the newest Jenn C. It is entertainingly and delightfully flawed. We were all happy with it. “It” was a dvd collection of our greatest pictures from the wedding, the road trips and the get-togethers.

I was honestly touched by the generosity shown by mine and Ryan’s families. I am fortunate enough to get to celebrate Christmas with his family every year (amazingly smart to celebrate Christmas a bit early to get people together!). I brought home so much fun loot and this year, there isn’t one gift that I traded to my sister or tried to figure out how to return it quietly. My new candles/diffuser are already proudly on display, my new pj pants have been sported around the apartment on several occasions, I’ve watched my secret indulgence on dvd and put up my new calendar; I’ve even re-organized my closet based on my new hangers. The gifts I gave this year were quite a hit. My brother and I got each other the same thing, a gorilla pod. We both bragged to Neen about it, it’s fantastic features and flexibility and how neat the gift was. Then she called us both and spilled the secret.
After all the celebrating and gift giving, Neen and I headed home. And that’s where the fun stops. For years I have bragged about my ticket-free driving record. Well, there is a first time for everything. I got my first speeding ticket ever in my nearly 8 years of driving. Of course, it was given to me in Waldo (grumble grumble). I have driven that road countless times in the 6 years that I’ve lived in Gainesville and have always been careful of my speed in that horrible area. I have no excuses, the police officer was fair and not rude or awful. I was speeding (because I wasn’t paying attention) and I got a ticket, a very expensive mistake. I held it together, though with shaking hands, until I got home and everything hit me and the tears spilled out. I am currently going through a self-imposed financial punishment for the month of January. No more coffee/bagel treats at work, no OG this month, no Panera soup and salad and no new clothes this month. Ouch. My ticket will definitely be a lesson learned. The fun part is, I get to plead “no contest” in a hearing to see if the judge will have mercy on me and wipe away the bad... wish me luck and think of me at 2:30 on January 31.

Happy holidays!

workouts and cocktail dresses.

oy. So this morning, after having a week of 85/65 high's and lows, it was 34 degrees outside. I was struggling last night to convince myself to get up early this morning to workout, but I faithfully set my alarm and told myself, "There's no getting around this, you need to shape up, woman!" Well before the alarm went off (4:15ish), Ryan was out of bed hunting for something to help his stomach feel better and I was in bed hunting for a comfy spot despite the sudden lack of snuggle partner. After that, sleep was just all downhill. I was completely parched, but too cold to get out of bed. Working out and then going to work did not sound like fun, so I spent the last 45 minutes not sleeping, but dreading the workout. By the time I got out of bed, working out seemed a lost cause, but I at least forced myself out of bed early so as not to ruin the earlier morning routine. However, I couldn't allow the early time to be completely useless, so I prepared a healthy snack and meal, then (finally) pulled the laundry out of the dryer, folded it and started a new load.
I fully intend to take a nap this afternoon and then I will think seriously about an afternoon workout. My goal is to make up for the 15 minutes I would have done this morning by drinking lots of water, not eating all the little goodies around here and not buying coffee downstairs. Looking at pictures from the party this weekend, I'm thinking it's my efforts need to see more enthusiasm. Not bad, just need to be better.

my handsome man with me in my pretty new dress:
mags and zac:
Left to right: me, Shelly, Dr. V, Susan and Dr. Su
Dr. A and Shelly
Left to right: Zac, Nora, Maggie, Rachel, me and Ryan
Mags, Susan and me:
Mags, me and Nora:

I drank my second glass of wine pretty quickly. I was a bit giddy and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was get to bed! The party was fun, getting all dressed up was excellent and the night overall was just lovely.

numerology...

5 - # of consecutive that I have gotten my butt out of bed early enough to squeeze in a workout

50 - # of crunches done on the stability ball on aforementioned 5 days

17 - # of lbs I want to drop

6 - # of lbs I dropped in 2007 (and didn't even realize it!)

11 - # of days before Christmas

1 - # of gifts I have left to purchase

2 - # of Holiday parties this weekend

81 - today's high temp (it's December, people! come on!)

17 days before Christmas!

As I've mentioned before, Christmas is my favorite time of year. This will be mine and Ryan's fourth Christmas together. How very exciting. Every year it gets better and better.

Here is a quick peek at me and Ryan's Christmas tree and presents!

http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y157/jcueva/?action=view&current=3568c1e4.pbw

i need this.

and you can get it here. http://www.snorgtees.com/thisiswhyimhot-p-381.html

41 degrees this morning

Hello cold weather! Nice of you to join us this winter.

21 days until Christmas! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. I have the urge to go shopping just about every day, always thinking “Just need to knock one more person off the gift lift, just one more…” Packages are beginning to arrive and ebay auctions are flying. I can’t seem to win often enough b/c I am not ruthlessly bidding higher and higher and higher. This year I actually knew what I wanted. Most years, I sort of flounder about throwing random ideas about what I like and would enjoy having, but nothing that really shot out at me. There is a slight tinge of guilty spamming in my head about not being greedy, which is possibly the reason I am so tirelessly shopping and thinking of who/what is left to be gifted.
Our tree is looking quite lovely. Hopefully, I will post pictures soon. I have taken lots with my new camera. The living room was recently rearranged. It looks fantastic, as if Ryan and I actually use our living room and enjoy being in it. The new layout even works great for the tree as it is the first thing you notice upon entering our lovely, little home. Around the holidays, quality time feels like higher quality. In the back of my mind, I’m always snuggling a little closer, squeezing a little tighter, smiling a little bigger or talking a little faster in excitement over revealing all the fantastic things that will be unwrapped on Christmas day.
I picked up a very large package and another small package from the post office yesterday. The small package was Ryan and the big package contained some presents for me and some presents for friends. I had to sit all alone in the apartment with the big ass box until Ryan came home to relieve my anxiety. I kissed him hello and promptly sent him off to open the package and remove the large elephant in the room. I’m officially doing my mom’s Christmas shopping, as she is too busy (and possibly a bit too clueless) to get out there on her own. She has also asked me to wrap the gifts that I collect on her behalf. I’m thinking that somewhere in this, there is some sort of mother-daughter opportunity. However, this would require a trip somewhere, Jacksonville or Orlando, and that takes more time, thus eliminating the purpose of me doing the shopping for her. Perhaps, we shall make it happen anyway.
Piano lessons continue to be a joy, though challenging. “Oh, come all ye faithful” is painful to go through. My nerves get the best of me during lessons and I can’t seem to get through the song. I hate the words “Make it lyrical” as I am not naturally musically gifted. Any talent that develops is out of shear desire. I am both excited and nervous by the idea of playing for my family at our Dec. 15 get-together and again for my family in Jacksonville.
It’s a beautiful time of year. Hooray for Christmas!

just so you know....

One week left before BLACK FRIDAY! That is all.

restless

Restlessness took over me yesterday. Somehow, when I talk things through with Ryan I come up with some pretty deep, inner thoughts. The other day during walk, we were talking about life after graduation. There’s this feeling of having nothing to do, no real goals (again with the transition period of where to go next?) School occupied about 80% of my brain for 17 longs years and since it’s no longer a factor I have yet to figure out what to do with all that brain power.
I feel somewhat “busy”, as in I do the laundry, attempt to keep the apartment clean, help with the dishes and go to work. I have a minimal social life and piano lessons each week. Yesterday I came home to an empty apartment, with nothing planned but a 1 hour piano lesson. I ate an entire pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream (after having such a healthy eating day at work). My body/conscience was so angry with me for doing it that I couldn’t get up the appetite for any sort of real dinner. I was so distracted by my work day, the ice cream weakness and the current mess in the apartment that I couldn’t focus on the lesson. As I screwed up the notes more and more, I become increasingly nervous and the more nervous I became, the worse I played. What happened? I love playing the piano and love learning to play, so why can’t I actually play anything with feeling? I am stuck on the same 2 songs and am wading through the adult course, but for some reason my fingers have no passion to them.
After the lesson, I laid around the apartment feeling somewhat useless. Flipping channels has lost its luster, scrapbooking seemed blah. I was bored. In an effort to counteract the ice cream disaster, the treadmill seemed a good idea. Again, the motivation/inspiration was lacking. My usual stamina was shot because of the stabbing guilt of my poor atrophied muscles and disgusting diet habits.
By the end of the night, since I had really done nothing that took any energy out of me, I was absolutely restless. I tossed and turned, stealing whatever moments of sleep I could. By the time Ryan came home and we went to bed, I was physically unable to get comfortable. I had no coherent thoughts or concerns going through my head, except “why is my brain so bored?”
Now at work irritability has taken over and motivation is somewhere in the 8 hours of sleep that I didn’t get to enjoy. I need something more in my life, something fun and exciting. Something new. It’s torturous to think of moving away because it isn’t happening for another 8 months.

3-day boost

(his post may be all over the place because I had a three day weekend and that is all there is to it.)

Thank you Veterans Day for giving me yet another 3 day weekend (2 weekends in a row! whoo!). I think I prefer having a Monday off instead of a Friday on an extended weekend. For some reason facing a short week on a Tuesday feels better than trudging my way to Thursday.
Ryan and I spent what parts of the weekend we could watching Grey's Anatomy. We finished Season 2 and Season 3 should be in the mail today. I really like that show. It's pretty much the opposite of ER. ER has patient stories with little side stories on the main characters/docs. GA has character stories with little side stories on the patients. That being said, I enjoy them both.

I had to feed my sister's poor cat this weekend. Howie always goes straight for my ankles, then sprawls out in front of me as soon as my feet stop moving. His purring is highly audible b/c he's so happy for the attention and physical touch. I can't blame him, I am a fiend for physical touch. I love when Ryan rubs my back or plays with my hair. My sister has been away from her apartment since last Wednesday. The poor, lonely cat has resorted to crapping on the floor, probably for 2 reasons. One: he has no more space in his litter box to do his business there (I'll feed him, but the litter box is just too much to ask). And two: he is crying out for attention in any way he can! I was never a fan of my sister getting a cat (let alone 2!). She claimed she was lonely in her apartment. She was barely mature/responsible enough to move out of my parents house when she left for college. She can hardly take care of herself much less take care of a cat. But you can never her tell her she is doing something wrong. She digs in her heels and insists that you are unfairly and cruelly criticizing her. I hate feeding her cat because I feel like I pet sit for too many people (okay all of 2) all too often. If you have a pet, freakin take care of it. Geez. At least once a month, I am running across town to feed someone else's pets! I complain about it, but I do it because pets need love, too. That's the other reason I hate feeding her cat; Howie needs more love and more attention than she's giving. That's all I'm sayin'. He has the essentials: food and water. But he is a very social cat and he needs more than just the bare necessities. I am sure she gives him all the love he can ask for when she's around, but she goes out of town every other weekend.

More fun stuff. Sunday I went to Busch Gardens with my friend Scott, his fiance and her sister. It was an interesting day. I had fun on the coasters and I had fun catching up with Scott. I felt like I was talking a ton. But when I wasn't chatting up Scott, there was dead silence. His fiance seems really nice and her sister, too. I am happy for Scott. He is such a good person and he deserves all the happiness he can find. I was quite proud of myself for agreeing to go. I am not very good with social situations, especially when I don't know everyone there. Normally, I would have just avoided the phone calls altogether, but for some reason I was brave enough to venture out. I even went at a time that I could have been spending with Ryan.

On Saturday I went to Starbucks to lounge and read. I love going to get a cup of hot coffee and reading for a couple of hours. It's nice to people watch. I love to read and I love to drink coffee. It's always a nice little afternoon relaxation for me.

All in all I had a good weekend. There's a commercial playing now that gave me pause this weekend. I'm usually multi-tasking during commercials, so I haven't seen the commercial, but just hearing it has enough impact. The voice over guy basically says, "Instant gratification. We lean on it heavily these days. Don't like your car, get a new one. Don't like your house, get a new one. Don't like your job, quit and get a new one. Don't like your spouse, divorce and get a new one. Whatever happened to commitment? At (such and such place) we know commitment..." Or something like that. What ever did happen to commitment. I often wonder why I can't be happy in any of the jobs I've had/currently have. I want to commit to a place, but find myself unhappy after about 4-5 months. My resume shows jobs at least 4 jobs that I held for less than 1.5 years. Some of that is just the nature of a college experience, but some of it is just me being restless. The commercial gave me a renewed sense of semi-loyalty to my current job. I'll make it at least to the year mark. And if we move to Orlando, I will have worked here for about 1.5 years. To be honest, I barely make it here every day; I'm not exactly looking forward to making it to July.

This post is long. I leave you with this: Julie sent me an email today. Someone had apparently found an old catalog from JCPenney. It was from 1977 and was full of hilarious pictures, showing the style of that era.

And finally: Julie's thought for the day: The bigger the hair, the closer to God.

i should be sleepy.

I hate being alone in the apartment at night. I get (overly) creeped out by all the random sounds. The bangs on the wall, random shouting through the walls, footsteps and things falling on the floor of the apartment above. I turn on lights that aren't actually being used in some weird attempt to "distract any intruders from my actual location".
Tonight, in my efforts to not go out and buy a piece of velvet cake (the slice with the most cream cheese icing, of course!), I have eaten more gummy sharks than any self-respecting adult should admit to. I even ate the grape ones! I hate the grape ones!
So anyway, this weekend really did spoil me. Work sucks.

monday again. le sigh.

The temperature outside this morning was 50º!!! Ryan and I had the windows and sliding glass door open every moment we were at home. The utility bill will be more pleasant than painful and the apartment feels/smells airy and fresh.
I am very happy that Florida finally decided to let Fall come. Despite the bitterness of having to work when the weather is so gorgeous, Fall is the best time of the year. It would be so nice to move to a place that saw all 4 seasons, but I would be happy with a longer fall if all 4 seasons were not possible. I was born and raised a Florida girl. I love the sunshine, the beach and the laid back atmosphere. However, I equally love the sunshine with cold weather.
This morning when I said bye to Ryan, he said to me “it’s not a job, it’s an adventure”. An adventure, huh? Certainly doesn’t feel like one, though his comment did put me in check about my attitude about facing the day.
You see, I had a 3 day weekend. I spent some time with Ryan every single day of it. We relaxed, cleaned, cooked, bought groceries, went out to dinner, played games and, all in all, had a fantastic weekend together. Mondays are officially black days. Black skirt, black shirt (with white polka dots on the sleeves and collar) and black shoes are the ensemble for the day. My job makes me unhappy; Mondays make me sad.
I have noticed that the months seem to be going by relatively quickly. It might not be as hard as I think to get through to July. It doesn't seem all that long ago since Julie was here. I suppose that's a good sign. We are already 4 days into November. My mom called me Saturday to discuss Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's plans. The holidays can be such a blur.

office drama

From the fake smiles, empty compliments and the inevitable trail of gossip, the office is just not the warmest environment these days. I am sick and tired of shallow relationships. There are 4 personality types to contend with at my job.

The first is the chick (this is definitely a female drama issue) who wants everyone to like her. She offers a pretense of friendship. The second is the gossip monger who welcomes any slander, office talk or juicy news. The third is the up front, in your face, no bull lady. She will tell you like it is consistently and she isn’t afraid to clash opinions with anyone. The last is the quiet chick that easily fades into the background. She is friends with everyone simply b/c she doesn’t want to cause ripples with everyone.
None of these, in and of themselves are all that bad. It’s the extremes of the personalities that cause problems, it is the extremes of these types that exist in my office. It is exhausting to run into these personalities every which way you turn. I do not try to say that I am above these types. I show traits in all of these categories, and I am not proud of that. I would love to put my head down and get through the day without a scratch. The problem lies in the fact that to be above the gossip, above the shallow relationship and clear of negative karma, it would require a complete distancing from all the women altogether. The work day would be more than rough to sit at my desk alone and have no one to chat with when boredom prevails. It is not easy working in an office full of women.

There are some very nice people in the department, though not enough to make it a happy environment. C’est la vie.

holidays, oh holidays

It is officially "that time of year". The weather is finally taking a turn for the cold. The unbearable heat and humidity are letting up and we can have the windows open. We turn our clocks back an hour next weekend. Thanksgiving is one month away, Christmas is 2. Hands down, Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. It's a 360 holiday. When it comes to Christmas, I am in all-out mode. I decorate the apartment and the tree the best that I possibly can. This year I am particularly excited because last year I raided the sale racks and bought all of my favorite holiday classics. There are many benefits to this because my wrapping paper is different from this year's picks. No one really remembers what wrapping paper looked like last year. The best part of Christmas, aside from the obvious birthday, is the gifts. I actually hate trying to think of what I want from anyone because I am so excited about picking stuff out for my family and friends. I could care less about receiving gifts, but giving gifts is very special. I love love love! wrapping presents. I love bows, ribbons, tissue paper, everything. It takes me about 2 months to figure out the right gift for each person. Nina and I go shopping every black Thursday. We plan who we're buying for, where we're going and in what order we go. By the end of the day, we've knocked out about 75% of the gifts we have to buy at discounted prices. Then we also have stories to tell about how we got up at 5:00am, how we fought to get it and stood in line forever to buy just the right gift.

My second favorite thing is the the treeeeeee. Since Ryan and I live in an apartment, we can't really buy a real tree. It is too messy, it's a fire hazard and hard to dispose. For our 2nd and 3rd Christmas' together, Ryan and I had a 2 or 3 foot tall tree from his sister. We covered it in little mini ornaments and little mini lights. It was on top of a little end table with an enormous pile of presents stacked all around. We are blessed to have large families full of parents, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts uncles, grandparents and friends. This means we get to put gift after gift under the tree and it is just lovely.

I am very excited about Christmas this year. The tough thing is celebrating between my family and Ryan's family. He and I play a sort of Hannukah style Christmas. I am a big fan of buying Ryan lots and lots of presents, though I am awful at keeping secrets and executing surprises. So to help me not go crazy, he lets us open presents throughout the week before Christmas. He endures lots and lots of pictures for me and I give him lots of presents. It's a good working relationship.

So. Here we are about a month before black Thursday and 2 months before Christmas. I am very excited. Christmas here we come!

And lastly, here's a shot of our mini tree from last year:

and another thing.

Yesterday, I had excellent success at tackling my bad habits.

I had leftovers for dinner, thus not spending any money when I already had food at home.
I did a load of laundry start to finish.
I got on the treadmill and worked out for 30 minutes.
I cleaned up a small mess that had been staring at me for weeks.
And at the end of the day, I brushed my teeth.

cheers.

ex·hil·a·rate (ĭg-zĭl'ə-rāt') tr.v.
1. To cause to feel happily refreshed and energetic; elate.
2. To invigorate; stimulate.

Ryan and I had an exhilarating evening.

random thoughts.

I need to break these bad habits:

1. Eating out when there is food in the apartment and I'm just too lazy to cook.
2. Not brushing my teeth before I go to bed.
3. Letting the apartment get messier and messier.
4. Allowing my negative thoughts prevent me from taking action.
5. Being too lazy to work out and be healthy.

This blog has enabled me in some ways to break through barriers in my life. Since I've started writing here, I've given myself more confidence to accomplish goals. I've realized my inner thoughts and hopes, simply by enumerating them and forcing myself to make them take life.
SO tonight I've enumerated my bad habits and will seek to make these improvements.

Ryan and I had a short talk this evening about moving out of Gainesville. His job satisfaction has seen a bit of a dip the last couple of months. Mostly due to lack of responsibility exhibited by the emloyees surrounding him. No one seems to really care enough about their job to even just put the minimum level of work required by the job. That brought us back to the idea of moving to Orlando. I had thought we would stay in Gainesville a little while longer (2 yrs max). I am still open to moving sooner though. I'm just curious where that would put our relationship. Do we buy a house? Do we rent again? It will be interesting to live out this next year. It seems a lot of changes are about to come.

On a different note...On the way out to his parents house yesterday we had a discussion about child behavior and what factors affect a child's personality. We decided that it could be parental influence, siblings, sex/gender, position in the sibling order and school/public influence. I realized during that discussion that my passions and interests have largely been in this area of thought: child behavior and child psychology. I have always enjoyed children (despite my previous anxiety about giving birth to my own children) and have always been curious as to what makes a child's mind work the way it does. I'm wondering how I could make a career out of this discovery of some of my real and true interests.

And now, I'm going to go brush my teeth.

a post.

Here are 5 things:

1. I really like to eat ice cream, especially right out of the carton.
2. I could watch HGTV and TLC all day long.
3. A good book on a rainy saturday is a good weekend for me.
4. I love flowers, every flower Ryan has ever given me is dried somewhere in the apartment.
5. I hate knowing that someone dislikes me. I also hate people telling me "You're just like me" when it is so not true.

cruise cruise cruise

Last Thursday, Ryan and I returned from our cruise. Without a doubt, cruising with my sweet Ryan was the best vacation I have ever had!

The trip started out in a high stress way that could only be the best kick-off to the most relaxing 5 days ever. We planned to leave early enough to be at the airport an hour early. After getting a camera from my brother and getting lost in Orlando, we got to the airport and parked the car 16 minutes before our plane was scheduled to depart. We ran through the parking lot, tossed out our shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, brand new sunscreens and face wash, carried on our baggage, ran through the airport and sat down in our seats 2 minutes before the (or a lincoln) to the port, but what did it matter when we were about to get onto the "Enchantment of the Seas" for a week.

Throughout the entire vacation, I was completely relaxed (at least once we got on the ship). All thoughts of work, school and life in general completely disintegrated as soon as we crossed the line between port terminal and ship.

The food was absolutely amazing. We had a wonderful dinner every night, served to us by a series of waiters. There was an appetizer, a main course, wine, breads and dessert every single night. We had frozen yogurt on tap, buffets for breakfast and lunch and snacks whenever we wanted.

The basic run down of each day of vacation went something like this:

10:00-11:00am - roll out of bed, eat breakfast

11:00-4:30 - any of the following: wander around the ship, go on an excursion, go to the casino, watch a show

5ish - watch movies and take a nap with ryan

8:30-11:30 - dinner

11:30 - go to jacuzzi and pool

2ish - end the night with movies and cuddling

One night, Ryan and I laid out on the deck.We both brought books, but Ryan was the only one who did any reading. I laid down and just stared at the stars. The ship was peaceful and the sky was beautiful. Seriously, you haven't seen the moon until you've looked at it shimmering across the ocean in the middle of the night with nothing else visible in the distance for miles.

Coming back to work was a complete nightmare compared to how wonderful the cruise was. Life after the cruise has been quite mundane. It is hard to look forward to five days a week, 7:30-4:00, when there is a life out there of fun and peace. I have never known what it is like to be completely stress free. I made the lethal mistake of checking email and voicemail while we were waiting for our flight. All reality rushed back to me in a flood of stress at killer strength.

Anyway, some pics to enjoy:

scream.

I am ridiculously excited for Saturday. This will be a trip of firsts. This will be the first time for Ryan and I to fly, vacation and cruise together. It will be the first cruise either of us has gone on.

Since it is our first, of course I am working on adding gray streaks to my hair. I have been worrying so much over this trip. Not that I am afraid anything bad will happen, more that I am afraid I will forget some important detail that should have been attended to weeks ago. I am worried that we won’t have enough time to have lunch with Laney and get on the boat and settled. I am worried that we will go on a boring excursion. In short, I am worried. I am not worried, though, about my constant worry. This is what I do. I freak out about things I am unsure of and plan until there is nothing left to plan for.
I don’t know when I became such an obsessive planner. When there are factors that are left unknown, I fill the spaces with all the other possible factors and questions. The result is that I am so exhausted from all the worry that I hardly have the energy to enjoy whatever it was that I planned.

In other news, for our anniversary Ryan and I bought a Wii. It may have been an irresponsible splurge, but good God is it fun! Nintendo really came up with something special when they brought Mario into the world. He has so many fun times, he parties, he hangs out in space, he fights villains, he has a ton of friends; Mario is just an all-around fun-loving guy!

Today is blood donating day for me. My goal is to reach the double-digit galloneer status. Eight donations equals 1 gallon and so far with LifeSouth I have donated 9 or 10 times. I have the mug and the license plate. I feel like this is the one real way that I can contribute to the community where I know the service is used for the right purpose. It’s hard to tell where donated money or items will go. The salvation army helps those in need of jobs, but the clothes, shoes, etc that are donated don’t necessarily go to those who need it most. Money donated could go anywhere. It could get used for purposes that are not necessarily for the good of the needy, but for the good of those who control the flow. It is difficult for me to picture someone’s blood being given to the wrong person or wasted.

my love.

It truly breaks my heart some mornings to get out of bed. Because getting out of bed, isn’t just a matter of breaking the wonderful cycle of R.E.M., it’s more a matter of shutting the alarm off as quickly as possible so as not to wake my sleeping honey. Following 3 snoozes (yes, people, I need 3 snoozes), it’s a slow and careful prying of myself out of Ryan’s arms. Move an arm here, a leg there, while gently pulling my hair out from underneath his shoulders.
It doesn’t matter where I’m going or why, when I wake up wrapped up in his embrace I can’t seem to look forward to the rest of the day. Once I’m out of bed, I find myself drifting back to just be near him in the hopes that he’ll sense me there and instinctively pull me back in. Trying to resist is futile. He is my big bear, snuggle-butt.
We are fast-approaching our 3 year anniversary. Birthdays are for celebrating the person, anniversaries are for celebrating the relationship, at least in my mind. I am a big fan of going all out for birthdays. His birthday falls in July and I rack my brain for a month trying to come up the! best! gift! This year’s gift was a smash, but now my brain is fresh out of ideas for our anniversary.
We will be back from the cruise 3 days before our anniversary, so it isn’t exactly justifiable to go out of town to celebrate. There is the traditional dinner at Stonewood, but what gift can I give him? Oy.

ding ding ding.

The time has come to make changes, instead of just wishing for them.

I have recently decided that my constant wavering of decisions has gotten me nowhere. I believe that I am very capable of making a very good, solid plan when it comes to the possibilities my future could hold. I can even hold on to those plans for days, weeks, months, even, at a time. The downside is that I am also very capable of carefully picking apart those well-laid plans until there is nothing left to stand on. I bring my hopes up high, then tear them down sadistically.
My first tackle at this sadistic behavior has been purchasing a piano and researching teachers. I am bound and determined to learn to play it. Jackie and Luke helped Ryan and I move the damn thing into the apartment. We had to lay it on its back, which made me cringe over every bump. Some of the keys were not exactly working and it is very much out of tune after the move. I was really afraid that it was irreparable.
Last night, Dan the Piano man came over to fix the issues. Have you ever seen the inside of a piano, more than just opening the lid? I watched him work for about an hour, completely mesmerized as I learned how the whole thing works. He was a rather chatty man and had no issues explaining the process or showing me the keys and the hammers and all the things that make it a piano.
Tonight, I am having coffee with a possible piano teacher. She seems very nice and very experienced with piano. Hopefully, by Christmas I will have some reasonable amount of skills to show off after Christmas dinner.
Ryan and I have discussed, re-discussed and discussed further what our future might hold in terms of geography. It seems to change every day. However, a fairly do-able plan has been created in my mind and I intend to get somewhere with it, whatever the obstacles.

I am going back to school. It is official; I will be taking advantage of the free schooling that UF offers. Then I will be applying for another degree. Decisions have finally been made regarding my career path; no longer do I feel doomed to an office/desk life for the rest of my career. The classes that are required are a bit daunting, but hopefully I will survive.
Ryan has been very supportive. Though, I must admit, I am rather sad about the fact that I will continue to live in Gainesville until at least 2009. Yuck. As long as I don’t get to the point where I am stuck in Gainesville, I can live, but having kids here is just not for me. I want a bigger city, plain and simple.

Freaky Friday

So, back from vacation and back to work this past Thursday. My first day back was uneventful, but busy. After work, a group of us went to Alehouse for some co-worker bonding time. I didn't realize the people in my department were soooo funny. We had a great time.

Friday was a challenge though. My alarm went off at 6:03 like always, but when I finally opened my eyes, the clock screamed 7:04. I frantically got ready and ran out the door. Literally as soon as I came through the door, the bossman had lots of "fun" requests and questions/tasks/requests were coming from all over the place. It was a bit stressful and very tiring. I could not wait to go home. I wore my brand new favorite shoes, but later sadly regretted it. See, I bought 2 new pairs of shoes on vacation and chose to wear them back to back. I have several blisters and cuts into my feet. I stumbled my way home and walked straight into Ryan's arms.

We had our traditional, bad-mood eliminating snuggle time. We talked through my day, and tried to figure out what to do with our evening. One thing led to another and we were suddenly in a full-fledge tickle fight. A tickle fight which ended in a very unfortunate incident where I somehow hurt a muscle in my neck. For the rest of the evening, I could hardly move my arm, shoulder or head without angering that muscle in my neck. Then, after dinner, I had the mother of all stomach aches.
Blisters, neck pains and tummy aches and all. I took my sleepy ass to bed.

Florida on my mind...

In true Daddy’s little girl fashion, I am here on this RV trip for my dad. This trip is the one thing, I believe, that my dad looks forward to every year. He wants the whole family, Jason, Jenn, Nina, Mom and Pop to be on this trip. He wants us to get along, see what nature the US has to offer and to have a fun time together, so much fun, that we all look forward to next year. Unfortunately for my dad, it rarely happens that way and each year, we all grudgingly pile into the van (this year it’s the RV) and get along as best we can.

Traveling with people can be a very difficult thing. You have to know a person well enough to know their limits, be courteous enough to respect those limits and patient enough to allow for your limits to be pushed every now and then. Sometimes you have to give a little more than you want to and look away from things that bother you. The more people you add to your list of traveling companions the more difficult it gets to keep everyone happy.

I reached my limit of patience about 2 days into the trip. I can tell by the insolent, impatient stubbornness that eeks it’s way into my voice and my reactions to my family. Every annoying act causes me to lash out in an irrational, yet unstoppable way. My mother, with her ever constant nagging and pushing, has been the most difficult to bear.

I’ve been trying in vain to find a way to balance the patience and unkindness with peace and friendliness. The obstacle is this, without Ryan, I am at my worst. When I leave him for days on end or on the rare occasion that he leaves me, my nerves become frayed. There is something about being around Ryan that calms me and makes me a nicer person. He helps to bring perspective to situations that would otherwise bring my temper to a hot boil. While its true that he can frustrate me to no end, he can also pinpoint the parts that frustrate me, walk me through them and talk me off the cliff. He also helps with the sexual frustration that has been building since last Friday. As independent and self-sustaining as I’d like to think I am, I really do need to be around Ryan to be at my best.

This morning has been the most difficult so far. No seems to understand that to close the door to the RV, you don’t have to slam it. Every step shakes the whole RV and every sound is heard. People come in (slamming the door behind them) shouting and stomping about at 6:45 in the morning is quite horrible. My mom complained about how hot it was in the RV (after she went for a f*cking run) and cranked up the AC to make it a chilly 65 degrees. My sister started in on how bored she was and my dad simply came quietly into the RV with his coffee to sit on the couch. He didn’t ask me any questions and he didn’t try to get me out of bed. Wide awake, I had no choice but to face the music. I plopped on the headphones, found a relaxing song and drowned it all out. To no avail. “Are you hungry?” “What do you want to do today?” “Are you hot?” “Are you cold?” Headphones do not seem to matter. I am now outside with the music as loud as I can stand, trying to center myself so that I am not an unbearable person for the rest of the day.

I’ve got an entire week to go before I can be back in Gainesville. The RV is getting smaller every day and the boredom grows thick. I have finished the book I was reading when I left and am now about 375 pages into my next book. I have one more book with me and thankfully there is internet. wish me luck.

okie from muskogee

I'm not sure what that song is really about, but every place we've been from tennessee to south dakota has had a sign, a song or something related to it somewhere in the building. It seems to be the theme for the trip.

We have finally arrived in South Dakota. It's been too long since my last shower and too long since my last snuggle with my honey. It's been quite an adventure getting here. The biggest highlight of the trip so far was just after we bumped down a small hill and promptly hard a very harsh metal scraping sound. The car towing hitch had come loose and we were no longer pulling the car in a very safe way, right in front of a green traffic light and a line of cars behind us. My dad and I jumped out to do what we could. We had to line the ball and hitch up, but the chains were still hooked. So, under my sister's direction my dad pulled ever so slightly foward and the next thing I know, the car is moving forward and the RV is moving backward, VERY FAST. I murmurmed a very panicked f*ck and held my ground the best I could. Thankfully, I got the car to stop and my sister got my dad to stop moving, so I didn't get pinned. It wasn't terribly scary, but it very nearly was an emergency situation for me. All my mom could say was, "Jenn! Watch your language!" Thanks, mom.

So we've arrived and now I'm getting ready to go for a swim. peace out.

new digs

I have never been a particular fan of that phrase "new digs", but it seems to float into the office a lot. When I first moved into the fish bowl, many of the frequent hallway traffic population felt it necessary to come in and ask how I liked the "new digs" and also tell me all about how it looked before I sat there. The first 10 times it was tolerable, but anything after that was downright insufferable.
I have since graduated from the fish bowl (yea!), right into the shark’s den it seems (boo). Truly, for anyone who’s been as obsessed with Discovery Channel’s Shark Week as I am, sharks don’t have dens, but who cares anyway? But I digress. I have made the official move, waiting on the promotion and not really holding my breath for the raise. I have been rather productive on this end of the office, mostly because there are more people to waltz by and think, “Wait a minute. Since when did crossword puzzles become urology-related?” So, with the new job comes new responsibility. I must be cautious about how much downtime I take from the daily grind. The upside is, now that I am forced away from my desk for lunch I have been taking lunch outside.
I have thus far managed to keep up with Dr. Important’s requests and stayed under the radar.
In other news, family vacation (groan) begins this Friday. Ryan has been making several threats to hide me in the closet until the vacation passes. I’m considering allowing him to do so. My little sister has been staying with me for the last few days, and I am nearly ready to throw her out bodily. Maybe it is just because I love my personal space and feel much better when I know I can live as comfortably as I like in my personal space. When the space bubble is invaded, my stress level shoots up. I am honestly not looking forward to piling into an RV with my family for 13 days, bumping along the road all the way to exciting South Dakota. We will be staying at an RV camp (good Lord, shoot me now) for approx. 5 nights before coming home again. I cannot think of one single exciting thing about South Dakota and I doubt the RV camp will be anywhere near any decent shopping, provided SD actually has decent shopping. I’ve seen Rushmore. I’ve watched their projection light show thing. I’ve walked through their museum and taken pictures beside their giant heads. Haven’t I paid my due respect? We have been taking these road trips since I was 10 years old, which means for over half my life, I have spent 2 weeks in a car with my family and I still speak to all of them. Hell, I even took a 14 hour plane ride to the other side of the world with just my temperamental father and rapidly aging grandmother. My dad is already planning the next 2 years worth of trips. My brother and his wife wriggled their way out of this years trip claiming something about getting married and not having vacation time for it. Well mark my words, next year, if I’m not married, I will have a comparable excuse. Maybe I’ll be living in another state by then and just won’t be able to go. Here’s hoping.

summer of love

just a quick count:

# of engaged people I know: 5

# of weddings: 4

# of babies on the way: 5

i'm going to be sick.

entitled or earned?

There has been a lot of talk in the office about "our generation" vs. "their generation". Our being the twenty and thirty somethings vs their parents. Awhile back, I read this article about how the young, just starting to work in the real world generation of today views hard work, dedication and vacation time very differently than the parent generation. The article went on to explain how our generation watched our parents work hard, putting in full-time and over-time at one or sometimes multiple jobs. Our parent generation sees a "hard-earned" dollar and that work ethic took a toll on their family life and personal life in general. Therefore, when people of our age go in for a job, we focus on how long our work day will be, what type of vacation time do we get, and how much of our personal lives will need to be sacrificed. It was general concensus that both perspectives have valid points, but at what point does it all balance out?
One point that was made said that the graduates of today, undergrad, graduate, Ph.D, etc., feel that he or she is entitled to a higher position, simply because of the degree that came from their education. What happened to working your way up the ladder? What happened to putting in the time, the effort, the dedication to earn the CEO status? Do we have to get both the advanced education and climb the proverbial ladder?
Today's discussion stemmed from Jeffrey Lazslow's 2 articles "Blame it on Mr. Rogers: WHy young adults feel so entitled" and "The Entitlement Epidemic: Who's really to blame?". His articles suggest that children of today have been raised in an environment that encourages all children, an environment that maintains that each and every child is special. This "special-ness" sometimes takes in all behavior like a big blanket of special things. When a kid is running a race or swinging the bat, whether they win or lose, that kid is something special, just for being whoever they are. Well, if every kid is special than no kid is special, they are all the same sub-par little people with no competition to encourage them to differentiate from one another. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and culture plays a distinct role in psychological processes. There will be that kid who thinks he is the best because that kid actually is the best and there will always be the low self-esteemed kid who missed that week's "you're special" speech and is subsequently okay with mediocrity.
Overly postive parenting, then, leads to direct results of an over-nurtured, expectant generation of people who believe they are entitled to a certain status due to a sense of "special-ness". In general, there needs to be a better sense of praise for that which deserves praise and encouragement to work harder to earn what you aim for, rather than simply praising all efforts in any direction.

Cirque du Hooray!

Ryan's birthday surprise weekend went beautifully. We stayed at a gorgeous (and massive) hotel. I booked the special gourmet breakfast, not realizing that since it was a Disney hotel, there would be characters wandering around saying hi to all the guests. I spent my breakfast trying to dodge the creepy petting of Minnie, Goofy, and Pluto. I was rather unsuccessful.

Circque du soleil was absolutely breath-taking. Ryan and I got all dressed up for the show. I decided this trip that I wasn't going to overpack. So I packed exactly as many shirts, socks, etc that we would need for the weekend. Well, that was the worst idea ever. On the way in to Orlando, it was pouring rain, so when we got to the hotel, we only brought out of the car what was necessary. We left our dress shoes and our snacks in the car, thinking we'd just grab the shoes on our way out to the show. It was still raining right before we left, so Ryan rolled up his pants and ran to the car to get the shoes. He accidently rubbed up against something and got his light khaki dress pants (his only dress pants that got packed, mind you) dirty across the front. We had to trek back to the hotel room where I hand washed the spots and then blow-dry-ed/iron-dry-ed the pants. And then, at long last, with blisters and wet clothes we arrived at the big tent.
I was so tense during some parts that I was holding my breath, silently willing the performers to land their jump, catch the bar, stay on the high wire, etc. Of course, they are very capable and everyone landed safely. All of their flips and throws and jumps seemed so unbelievable and impossible. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, live and in person, I'm not sure I would believe all the stunts.
All in all, the weekend was a blast. It's a little disappointing to be back in the daily grind. Looking forward to cruise week!

Oh the places you'll go

I have an itch to travel again. I've been to Canada (woohoo), 48 states, Australia, Fiji, the Philippines, Spain and Morocco. Yes, I realize that I have a cruise planned in the unbearably faraway future (120 days away) and I should be grateful for the fact that I can take the trip, but it has now been over a year since I've left the country. I miss the fun of planning a trip, catching planes and entertaining myself during layovers. I miss the excitement of a new city and the joy that is a homecoming. Paris? Italy? Great Britain? When will we meet?

In 8 days, Ryan and I will be off to a faraway land called Orlando. Yippee! Orlando for me is just a crazy world of lost people searching for Mickey Mouse. Despite it's low level (or absence) on the exotic scale, I am quite excited about it. If I am successful, it will be the first time I conjured up a surprise for Ryan and actually held my tongue until the point of actual surprise! I'm looking forward to the 2 hours on I75 armed with SoBe's, yummy snacks and some quality get-to-know-you time. I love our little stop in Okahumpka, getting lost every single time we come into Orlando no matter how many times we've come through (maybe a little out of tradition) and then lounge around once we land in the hotel.

In 28 days, my family and I sans my brother and his wife, will be leaving for our annual family vacation. A tradition that has held firm since 1994. I don't even want to think about how old I was in Nineteen Ninety-four, but that is how long I have been stuffed into a car, lived out of a tightly packed suitcase and got to know who the people in my family are. I've stood behind many a photo encouraged by my mother-ever the photo opportunist, I've rushed alongside my family members from one tourist trap to the next under my father's militant travel itinerary and shopped til I dropped in nearly every shopping mall, strip mall and tourist shop across the nation. You name the "USAopoly" location on the board, I have been there or will have been there soon. Huge redwoods? been there. Mammoth Cave? done that. Grand Canyon? Seen it, thrice.

In 120 days, I am on my way to the Western Caribbean! That's the big trip, nearly 2 whole years since my last escape from the states. I've tried to distract myself from the growing excitement, planning the Orlando trip, dreading the fam vacay, and wallowing in self pity. But the truth is, the end of the year holds so many more exciting things than the summertime! Seriously, the cruise, me and Ryan's 3 yr anniversary, Christmas!, and New Years. Summertime hardly stands a chance in comparison.

Now I just need someplace between 28 days and 120 days...google maps, here I come.

august 1

That is the first day of my new lease. The remarkable thing about this new lease is that it will be the first time i've ever renewed a lease in Gainesville. So, techinically it isn't a "new" lease, but who cares. I'm actually not moving this fall, which means I didn't spend the first 2 months of this year frantically searching for the! perfect! apartment! This is because I am happy with my current apartment, roommate and location. It's strange to not be packing or coordinating a move with work schedules and all that jazz. It's a new feeling.

changing perspective

I started this blog to catalog my life, so that when I wonder how I got to where I will be in 10 years, I will have some record of where I've been and how I felt as I "grew up". So, to continue the story tonight...

I finished It's a Wonderful Lie tonight. I definitely found it to be an eye opening a read. Just as I suspected, it gave me a renewed sense of excitement toward life in my twenties. I could picture a friend in her twenties who is living nearly every experience outlined across the novel. There was a piece of the life I'm living in each of the stories, too. I'm the girl who loves to travel, the one who is not satisfied with her job, the girl in love, the girl who wants to get out of the town that she knows like the back of her hand in search of something new and exciting, the girl who wants to get married and the girl who in a very small part of her heart wonders what it could be like to be single again. I am just a girl in my twenties, fumbling through my experiences, thriving in my triumphs and learning from every place I've been, emotionally, physically and mentally.

I remember that once I had this dream of living in a tiny 1 or 2 bedroom apt, making it easily on my modest salary, decorating shabby-chic room and exploring a big, exciting city. My dream now is mostly the same, except now it includes Ryan.

I am finally coming to terms with my current job because there is a closer promise of moving away, moving out of Gainesville. I am not stuck being a secretary, I am waiting for the next big thing. I didn't become a secretary just because, I became a secretary because I desperately needed to get out of banking. I met a bunch of fun people and I mostly enjoy my work days. My hours are decent and my weekends are fabulous and relaxing.

Now that my book is done, I am actually looking forward to going back to reading The Wheel of Time series.

More than meets the eye

Ryan and I went on a date last night. We had dinner, a movie and then got ice cream. It was quite lovely.

The best perk of dating a theater man is free movies and free popcorn. Our free movie last night was Transformers. I had been hearing that it was amazing since the day it came out and was very excited to see it. Not only was I not disappointed, but I was in shock as to how excellent the movie was. It was funny, action packed, not cheesy, good eye candy and held my attention from start to finish. Usually, when movies get talked up too much I find I'm not as thrilled as I hoped. But Transformers really blew me out of the water. It's definitely one that I am buying as soon as it's out on DVD.

blast to the past

A long, long time ago, I was a freshman in college. I was so excited to load up my explorer and move into the dorms with 2 random roommates. My whole life fit into a few boxes and and would be cramped up in the room that was in Reid Hall (the only dorm I saw on campus back during Preview that I said looked sad and dingy). I learned to love living in that tiny space.
I enjoyed the little accomplishments that came with living "on my own" for the first time. For example, I remember the first time I realized I had run out of clean clothes. I sat down on the dorm floor and tried desperately to remember my mom's laundry words of wisdom. My much more experienced roommate, Maggie, looked at me laughingly and asked, "Had I really never done my own laundry?!" And seriously, apart from moving clothes from washer to dryer, the laundry world was an unknown land of mystery to me. "Is an orange gator shirt a dark or a light?" "Do I have to do something special to keep my bras in good shape?" "How do you wash a striped shirt?".
I remember how excited I was when I could claim that I had used an entire tube of toothpaste from start to finish, all by myself ! I loved doing my own laundry, pretending I could cook in the dorm kitchen, using my own toothpaste and running off at all hours of the night to get ice cream at the union.
My roommate taught me much more than which clothes were dark and which were light. She taught me the beauty of wearing a thong, sat with me during my first beers (on her birthday) and showed me how to put make-up on. Before college, the only alcohol I'd ever had was the wine at church.
I remember dreaming of law school and how I would dress fashionably beautiful and impress the jury and judges and win lots of cases. I figured out which classes I had to go to and which I could skip and still pass. I did crosswords with Rachel during Calc 2 lecture and paid highly focused attention during TA class.
Somewehere between the 5 apartments and 12 roommates I had during my college years, law school lept out of the picture, the ideas teaching, nursing and motherhood crept in and out and then I graduated. I lost the explorer (to a relatively harmless incident with lots of speed and a gaurd rail on I-175) and switched to a more sensible car that would take me into the years after college and could suit the needs of the possiblity of children. There was a period between my junior and senior year when I realized that I was doing it all way! too! fast! I met a boy and we fell in love. I took off for Australia for a couple of months to slow the pace of college and the impending graduation that carried with it an enormous amount of pressure.

I am now sitting in my 5th apartment in the same city. I am elbow deep in disapppointment with the career path I am stumbling on now. Working the front desk at the hotel was easy enough, the Alligator was fun but stressful, I loved working at the chocolate store, and then I was ready to move on. I always assumed I would just have a fabulous job that would pay me lots of money and I would be extremely happy. Turns out, I am happy but simultaneously dissatisfied. I still enjoy doing laundry, and now I share my tubes of toothpaste with my ultra sweet boyfriend. I still wear thongs and have developed a strong obsession with shoes and purses. I drink very occassionaly. I wish I had more friends or was at least better at keeping up with the small handful of friends I do have.
I was looking at some pictures from someone's facebook (a site that is addicting and somehow marks either the level or lack of achievement I've cultivated vs what other people my age are doing) and I came across a picture of a friend who went to grad school and moved to Texas to be with the man she loved right after. She went to school for elementary education and got a job right smack in the thick of exactly what she wanted to do. She was sitting in between a huge group of fourth graders with a huge smile on her face, saying how much she loved her kids. I thought to myself, "I could do that". Laney just got a fairly decent paying job as a high school english teacher, Marcy works at high school in gainesville teaching. Other English majors did it, why can't I? Frankly, I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I will discover I don't like it, the way I discovered I didn't like banking and the way I'm finding I don't much care for being a secretary.
Do I really want to invest more time and more money into an education only to find that I'm not really sure I want to take my life in that direction shortly after entering that career field? There isn't really a fabulous wardrobe associated with being an elementary school teacher, pumps are almost flat out of the question. The idea of dealing with parents freaks me out. Yet, I always, always find myself toying with the idea of teaching.
Reading the Wonderful Lie has really got me thinking about what I really want to do and wondering how long it will take to get to the point of knowing. The only thing that so far seems to be working out is the fact that I am still in love.

Babies can wait. Thank you.

I have been toying with the idea of not having babies for a couple of months now. It was mostly caused by the fact that kids have those breakdown moments of screaming, crying, kicking, punching and overall brattiness all because they have to go to bed, horror of all horrors. Thanks to my baby-sitting years, I have put down many a child; sometimes they screamed as I tried to gently explain to them that I would love for them to go to sleep and tell me all about their dreams the next day. For the most part, it was easy to stay mostly calm as the child I was baby-sitting for screamed and wailed in my face. This calmness rested firmly on the fact that I could leave the child in his or her parents care at the end of the night. It's easy to like a kid when you get to return it. I am truly afraid to have children.

The thing that scares me the most about having kids is that one day, there will be a very real person who will go from depending upon me and my husband for everything, to challenging every word that comes out of my mouth, to spitting my mistakes in rearing them in my face, to asking me for money and material things, and then might walk away from me, as I did to my parents, thinking that I know nothing about what it's like to be young. Yeah, yeah, I know there are many upsides to having children, i.e. macaroni Christmas ornaments, beautiful childish laughter and smiles, the possibility of a grandchild (who I can return at the end of the day), and many other things that I have yet to experience.

But think with me for a second about what married life could be like without a little person that I would have to raise. I could take after Miss Carrie Bradshaw and throw an "I'm not having a baby shower." (Carrie made a wedding registry when she claimed to have married herself). I could still get presents, I would even register for things for my husband (no need to be excessively selfish). I wouldn't spend countless dollars on diapers, clothes that take all of 3 weeks to grow out of, pounds of food, education and who knows what else. I wouldn't lose my jet black hair to worry and anxiety on what the little person is doing or will do or won't do, only to be replaced by non-flattering, dull grays.
There will be no issue of baptism or whose turn it is to feed the baby or who is going to be the bad guy.

Maybe one day my opinion on this matter will change. Tonight, babies can wait a long while more before they can become part of my plan for the future (because that plan was going so well to begin with....or not).

Anyway, go see Knocked Up. It's hilarious.

Random thought

So I was thinking today about my position in the office. Not my position, as in I’m a secretary position, but as in I am in glass window-ed office right off the elevators. If someone were to come into the building, some crazy, doctor-hating patient, I would be the first one to go. The crazy person would come off the elevator and shoot the first person he sees. Yeah, that first dead person would be me.

Anyone wanna buy me a bullet proof vest?

"It's a wonderful lie"

My books arrived in the mail today! I have been dying to get out of the Science fiction series that has had my attention for the last 2.5 years. It's a 13 or so book series, it's thrilling, it's suspenseful, it's a fun read. BUT, I am ready for something girly, that isn't a trashy romance novel. I found this: "It's a Wonderful Lie--26 Truths about life in your twenties" edited by Emily Franklin.

In the forward, I found the reason I believe will make me finish the book in record time. The "Quarterlife Crisis" - "[It is] not the idle whining of a coddled, presumptuous post-adolescent. It is the response to reaching the turning point between young adulthood and adulthood: it is the amalgamtion of doubt, confusion and fear that comes with facing an overwhelming set of identity issues and societal expectations at once." It's all about these women with big dreams of what their great college education would do for them, great job, great place, great boyfriend, great fashion and greatness in general. The truth is, there are so many of us graduates these days, and such lower salaries for starting out, that we can't afford these great things, we have to work so much and so hard we don't have time for the great relationship and our parents are hounding us hard to be great, the pressure of getting there is exponential not only from society, but from our selves. To those precious few, those already achieving greatness, how did you do it?

Some of the chapter titles/categories of twentysomething life (or beliefs we had about our twenties) include "I'll have an amazing apt and love my job", "I'll know myself and know what I want", and "I'll be where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm meant to be doing". This isn't one of those self-help books, it's written sex & the city style, with stories practically pulled from several different twentysomething diaries.

When I joined the real world of working, I thought working at the bank was going to be a fantastic job with great opportunities. I had this big dreams of a fantastic wardrobe, great pay and promotions. Well, the salary didn't supply enough for the great wardrobe and the boring work did lead to any motivation for working toward that horribly boring looking promotion. I knew as soon as I got in there that I wanted out. I researched all of the necessary steps to becoming a teacher or a nurse. I considered grad school, I considered marriage, babies and no job. And then, I ended up in the Dept. of Urology and am still very seriously considering all of the above. The point? Life after college, is just that, my life...after college. Going back to school would give me somewhere between 1-4 years of stalling time.
I'm looking forward to reading the stories of how other women, other twentysomethings, dealt with the excitment and disappointment of being twentysomething.

she paints?

My first artworks:

The flash takes away from the darkness of the brown, but you get the picture.

weekends

There is nothing more I'd rather do tomorrow than go to the pool, sunbathe and swim around lazily. There is nothing less I'd rather do tomorrow than go to my rather unsatisfying job and grind away at the day.

This weekend was absolutely exhausting. The sun was overwhelmingly hot and I ate so poorly, I have nearly given up on losing weight. Work tomorrow does not make for an exciting thing to get up for.

I have lacked any motivation to actually go to work these days. I am learning a crap load about Microsoft programs, various office machines, and general secretarial stuff. It's challenging in the sense that I'm finding out about all this stuff I had no idea how to work before, but it's sadly unsatisfying because it gets me nowhere in terms of a solid, respectable career. Not that there is anything wrong with being a secretary, I just pictured much bigger things for my life after college.

So, in an effort to make the rest of my life more satisfying, I picked up a few crafty-type hobbies. For the first time in my life, I made some real paintings. I picked some colors, bought canvas and brushes and went to town. I sat down for several hours and painted. After some tries, I actually ended up with something I liked. I framed them and will be putting my 2 new pieces of artwork on the wall sometime this week. With these 2 pictures on the wall, I will have set the theme for my bedroom. Once Ryan's parents clear out all their belongings from our apartment, I am diving into some serious nesting. I have stylish organizational storage, a general color scheme for each room and big dreams of a very chic apartment.

bedtime.

horoscopes

Occasionaly, just for kicks, I check out my horoscope at jacksonville.com. Today it said, "Conditions at work still unstable. Don't lean on anyone and don't say very much." I have felt like that a lot here. I have tried to keep a short tongue at work when it comes to most situations, but there are just times when I want to vent and get it out of my system. Fortunately, Ryan listens to most of my crap and my mom does too. I get very different responses from both of them, so it's fun to talk about it. Ryan says, "punch them in the neck." My mom says, "Pray for them and I'll pray for you." I always envision myself punching them in the neck after I pray for them.

insomnia and our ups and downs

Dear Insomnia,

I hate you.

love,
jenn*



Once again, it is well past my bedtime and I am still awake. weee! Laney and I spent the evening at the theater, literally, the entire evening. We got there at 7:20 and left at 12:40. First, we watched Mr. Brooks.

I went along for the ride, watching Mr. Brooks. I hadn't seen any previews b/c Ryan screens out the scary stuff so that I can fall asleep easier and not have nightmares once I do fall alseep. Well, I had really no idea what it was about and I was certainly shocked when I found out. There were many gun shot wounds and more blood than I was prepared for. The story and the commentary from the people around me kept me firmly rooted in my seat. It was quite the movie experience. The gore made Laney feel ill, and left uncomfortable images for me to relive in my nightmares, so we decided to watch yet another movie.

Enter Georgia Rule. In this case, I had seen previews, but they give nothing away as to what the movie is actually about. There were several points in the movie where I thought "Hmmm, I really don't know where this one is going.." Unlike in Mr. Brooks where I felt like it wasn't quite dead giveaways, but I definitely knew where things were going. In Mr. Brooks, as you solved one thing correctly, the director threw in a twist, that was delightfully surprising (minus the bullets & blood).

All in all, it was a good night. If only I could just go to sleep.

eco-friendly chic

the rising price of gas has forced me forced my feet to walking. I have always wanted to live in a place where dominant forms of transportation are public or pedestrian. I felt like I was doing something to help the environment by walking everywhere in Australia. I never once lamented over not having a car while living abroad. Combined with green canvas-like grocery bags and lots of walking, I came back a changed woman.

However, upon my return to the states, I immediately got back into my car and cruised around town. I used plastic bags for my groceries and never looked back. Until now! well, until last July, when Ryan and I moved into our apartments, just across the street from the main strip of stores and restaurants. Half the time we walk, the other half, we drive the short distance. I don't feel too too bad driving b/c it's less than a mile to get to where we need to be, as opposed to a few miles each way. It hit me today though, that we really should be walking to those same stores A LOT more often. It's healthier, gas-friendly and money-saving. If we have to walk to the restaurant, we'll probably be too lazy at least half the time. And if we walk to get groceries, we'll buy less b/c we won't want to carry it all home, in theory.
I walked to publix today and filled my green bag with fresh fruit, deli-turkey and cereal. As I walked home, I felt rather proud of my eco-friendly conscience. If only I could apply that to other places in my life. I do intend to invest in a hybrid car at first opportunity and as soon as I can find a home where there is a recycling route, you can bet your bottom dollar I will have a paper bin and a plastic/metal recycling bin! Til then, I slowly bring the paper goods to work to recycle (admittedly not very regularly, but i'm working on it...) and die a little on the inside with every can I throw away.

weekends

because i like to make lists:

1. Ryan and I watched "The Ex" this weekend. I thought it was a bit inappropriately tilted because there was no real emphasis on the fact that Jason Bates was Amanda Peet's ex-anything. At most, he was a fling to her and an unattainable dream for him. Also, i think Zach Braff is a very talented actor, but that he also seems limited to his one kind of acting: the awkward, hopeless romantic who makes puffy lip faces (okay, the puffy lip thing is more of a facial expression and less of an acting thing, but i felt it was important to add). In general, i liked the movie but it was painful to watch. I seriously have trouble liking a movie that shits on the main character for an hour and a half in every way possible and then clears it all up in the last 15 minutes. That is why I don't like Meet the Fockers.

2. I feel like i had one of those weekends where I was really busy and all over the place, when in reality, i was not very busy (no car) I just didn't have a reasonable schedule of sleep and Monday at 6am is kicking my arse, mercilessly. Friday night, Ryan went to work at 6 or so and after he left, I decided to treat myself to a nap. At about 10:15 PM! i finally dragged myself out of bed long enough to sleepily stumble around the apartment until I realized i was FAMISHED! and made myself a lovely bowl of fruity pebbles. Then, I tried to go back to sleep b/c I felt incapable of doing anything else and proceeded to roll around in bed until 1:45 AM! Ryan came home to find me knocked out sleeping upside down and tangled in the blanket.

3. I heart Cinotti's cookies. I heart them so much, i sat down in front of the computer and ate an entire frosted piece of cookie heaven so fast I gave myself a horrible tummy ache. But, friends, I did not stop there. I waited for the tummy ache to subside and then took a bite of yet another yummy cookie, not once, not twice, but three times. I had to wait in between bites to let the sugar settle before I could sneak another bite.

4. i like even numbers

5. i also like numbers that are divisible by 5.

6. It's hard to be in a relationship sometimes. It's always completely worth it, but it is still hard sometimes.

color me FAB-ulous!

tonight, I am sitting on the couch eating ice cream in a wine glass while watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. i heart saturdays.

card files

I received an email from my sister in law today. It was a compelling story that prompted me to think about my time and my faith. Here's the story:

THE ROOM
17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last. Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School . Brian had been dead only hours , but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them-notes from classmates and teachers, his homework.
Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted. The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."

Brian's Essay: The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I kne w that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick t o thin k that such a moment ha d been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long , self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.
No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bri ng myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoev er believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3: 16

The reaction:
Stepping away from the religous aspect of the story for a moment, I stop and think about what kinds of cards would be in my file. Would there be a file for evil thoughts I've had? Daydreams? Thoughts in hindsight? Road rage comments? Dreams I've had while napping? Nightmares? Baby-sitting experiences? Job interviews? What about some of the files I wouldn't want anyone to know could ever exist?
Awhile ago, Ryan and I watched this movie with Robin Williams called The Final Cut. In the movie, a small chip or something like that could be purchased for a newborn child. The chip would be placed in the memory area of the brain and capture, like a movie, every memory that a person experiences. Robin Williams plays a "cutter" who cuts the memories of people who have passed away. Once he has made a final product, the "movie" is shown at the funeral. The movie contains all the happy, heart warming memories that a family would want to see after their loved one has passed away. Consequently, Robin Williams has to sift through hundreds of hours of people's lives, through all the mundane toothbrushing, sleeping, dreams, embarassing moments, secret times and all. The chip is inaccessible to anyone, until the person has passed away.

Throughout the movie he is haunted by a horrible graphic memory from his childhood. Throughout his work, he searches for a file that will help him to see the past as it happened. It is an interesting movie because you get to see some memories first, how the person percieved it and then when they die, you get to see the event as it actually happened. The chip does not record perception, it records what is seen.

I have many times wished that I could go back through my memories and see what I've seen as everyone else saw it. I also always wish that I could go through the archives of my memories to relive my travels and my dreams. I would love to visit the dreams that are not recalled in waking moments.

walk all over me..

Over the years, I have noticed a general trend of people bombarding me with information that I am already aware of. Perhaps I just have some sort of personal issue, as if I take it as a personal attack when people try to tell me very obvious things. Back in high school I had a friend who always dumbed down things for me all of the time. I always wondered if that was just her personality and never paid any attention to whether or not she did it to other people, too.

Then, I had a roommate a couple of years ago who literally thought she knew exactly how everything works. She once explained to me that I should try shoes on before I buy, wiggle my toes around and then if I felt like they fit me well, I could buy them. The most insulting time was when I was in Target buying a printer cartridge and I had forgotten to look at the printer type before I left. I called to ask her to find out what printer I had and she explained to me that printers have "special numbers" that correspond to the printer cartridge so that you know which cartridge is compatible to the computer. Obviously I knew about these "special numbers", I just had forgotten to write it down.

Now, there is this kid at work who yells over any conversation that I am having with another person, to say pretty much the exact same thing I am saying, just louder and in different words/order. This kid tries to intercept every phone call they're present for and snatches things out of my hand to take over whatever task it is that I'm working on. The problem is that if i try to tell this person that they are stating the obvious or are annoyingly overbearing, they will take it way to personally and never help me again.
I wish I had a way of watching myself to see my body language, facial expressions and demeanor. I would like to figure out how I can stop letting these kinds of people walk all over me all of the time. I know that I have a more passive personality and that I ask questions, but why does that combination lead to people negating the idea that I have any knowledge at all?
I despise people who are masters of the obvious. They are the ones who not only tell you to bring an umbrella, but explain that if you don't have an umbrella, you'll get wet in the rain. I can't stand that. There are times when I need help, and I appreciate it, but there are also things that I am capable of doing and don't need my hand held to accomplish every little thing I do.

weekends

On Friday, one of the doctors asked me if I had big plans for the weekend and I told him "no" because my weekend plans consisted of basically nothing. However, my weekend was nowhere near having nothing to do.
Friday afternoon, Ryan and I found out that his parents were coming in town. So, Friday afternoon, I came home from work, took a nice nap and then straightened up the apartment. His parents came in around 7:00ish and I left to bring Ryan dinner. The theater was so busy because of Spiderman 3 that I didn't find a parking space and he never had a moment to sit down to eat with me anyway. So, on my way home, I called Nina (who was already at my apartment to play Mario Party) and we made plans to go to Coldstone. Nina and I chatted with Ryan's mom for awhile and then treated ourselves to yummy ice cream. Afterward we played Mario Party until Ryan came home.

I was in serious need of snuggle, so I all but pushed Nina and Mike out the door and immediately ran to bed for some good ild fashioned super-snuggle. We played our new MMORPG follwoing the snuggle time.

The rest of the weekend was a blur of people and food. Laney and I laid by the pool for awhile, where we ran into the D & D guys, and met up with Mary, Charlie, Nana, the Cheese, and the boys. It was a BLAST. We had a lovely little dinner. Laney, Nana and I sat on the couches for about 4hours and talked until our eyes were closing. Ryan and I ended the evening with more L.O.T.R game-playing.

Sunday was even more fun and games. The day started like this:
10:00am - sleep in and have enthusiastic cuddling.
11:00am - the Great Hunt for food
11:30am - "Breakfast" at Zaxby's
11:30 - 1:00pm - The Great Hunt for the Passat registration: My dad called to ask where my car registration was. I called my sister to have her search my car and my mom's car (b/c I knew my dad did not search very well). My dad was completely convinced he gave it to me, I was certain he did not. Called my dad to say I definitely did not have it and if it ever was in my possesion, it was lost forever and I would arrange (and pay) for a new one. My dad called me a little while later to say that my mom found it and that she was sorry. Got my mom on the phone, apologized for any crankiness she had to endure. The entire time, my dad was freaking out on my mom and sister, but was completely calm with me. I'm sure it was madness at the house as they tore everything apart trying to find the damn registration. Several hours later, I was going through my wallet and I found both copies of my insurance cards. My first thought was "oh shit". I called my dad to let him and had to fax them to him today before he blew a gasket.
1:00pm - 5:00pm - LOTR mmorpg
5:00pm - walk to PJ's
6:00pm Food, fun and madness

We sat around playing online for several hours. Took a walk to PJ's coffee and had an even bigger dinner. BTW, I did not enjoy PJ's Toffee Velvet Ice. It lacked in flavor completely. Ryan's Chai left a lot to be desired. We ( and by "we" I mean Charlie) used our grill for the first time ever for steaks and brat-yuckies. The best part is, I didn'thave to show off my less-than-fabulous cooking skills or my OCD cleaning habits. The most work I did was sweep the porch, supervise the cleaning of the grill and start a load of laundry.

The weekend was busy and fun. There is no left-over cleaning to do, my lunch today was leftovers from yesterday (yummy!) and everyone is happy. It's not so much fun to be back in the office. I'm quite exhausted b/c we ended up playing online much later than I planned. My wonderful plan to find a new game for Ryan and I to play together worked out marvelously. I love learning the new game and hanging out with him. We even have new game cube games, though we haven't indulged much time in them, mostly due to the fact that we have very little spare time after work, meals, family, LOTR mmorpg and sleep.

Looking forward to a nap this afternoon.